Preseason Power Rankings

What’s happening folks? It’s your Commissioner speaking, here to catch you all up to speed with what’s been happening since you’ve last heard from me. Where to start? I got shot up with some vaccine (twice), I quit and then started a new job so my life is no longer a fucking nightmare (meaning more time for everyone’s favorite podcast), and I even moved into the big city with fellow league member and all around good guy Jack. But all that news doesn’t measure up to the biggest obstacle I’ve ever faced in life — missing last year’s fantasy playoffs. I know it sounds crazy right, and I just checked last years standings to verify that I didn’t have this crazy nightmare, but there I was, out of the playoffs and into the barren wasteland known as the Loser’s Bracket. I’ll chalk it to up 2020, it was a crazy year for all.

Anyway, I figured I’ll start off the content this year with a new weekly column from your boy where I’ll be power ranking everyone’s teams, highlighting the highs and lows of everyone’s roster, analyzing the decision making of each of our owners, and then ranking teams 1-10. Trust me, you don’t want to fall into the 10 spot, that’s like Steven Glanzberg territory (you don’t want to be a Glanzberg). So I think for my inaugural post, I’ll start by power ranking our fellow league members based purely on prior fantasy ability and my own personal biases. I’ll leave off Brad and Tommy Bonez for now since they are newbies, so without further ado let’s get this shit started with our number 8…

#8: Ryan “Marzy” O’Connell
Being last year’s breakout star is unfortunately not enough for my man Marzy to crack the top 7 in our inaugurual rankings. 2020 was definitely a step in the right direction for our resident Mac Miller lover boy, but upwards was the only direction Ryan could ascend following back to back last places finishes in 2018 and 2019. Ryan seemed fast tracked for another last place finish, but the Steal of the Century also known as Nick Chubb for CEH saved our man the embarrassment of the ol’ Trifecta. Anyway Ryan, I like yeah a lot, but need to see some more consistent fantasy play out of you before I notch you up a few ticks on these rankings.

#7: Abraham “Abie” Leider
Where to begin with good friend of the program Abie? I’ve done about 5, maybe more fantasy leagues with Abie over the years, and I still can’t decide if he’s good or not. I will say though, our boy is unpredictable and a complete X factor come game day. An unrequited love for Aaron Rodgers usually finds Abie’s team filled with Packers, which anybody who’s followed the last couple years knows that usually means trouble. I feel like Abie held stock in Eddie Lacy/Randall Cobb/Jordy Nelson for way to long and went down with the ship, but hey, I don’t think you can draft those guys this year so maybe things are looking up. Go Abie.

#6: Jack “DynOmite” Staub
Ok, this nickname was a bit of a stretch, but in case you couldn’t figure it out I played up Jack’s affinity for Ohio’s second best public university, THE Ohio State University (I’m more of a Miami (OH) guy myself). Anyway, Jack’s undying love for the scarlet and grey directly impacts his GMing abilities. I understand the rational – OSU pumps out many quality football players, but that blind trust doomed Jack from the start last year when he scooped up Michael Thomas with the 3rd overall pick, with quality RBs like Dalvin Cook, Derrick Henry and even fellow Buckeye Ezekiel Elliot still available. Jack, I hoped you learned your lesson or else you might be falling faster down these rankings then Gov. Cuomo’s approval ratings (zing!).

#5: Max “Big in Two Places” Cohan
You know what I mean. Oversized bodily appendages aside, Max has done quite well for himself over the 3 year history of The League. Don’t quote me on this, but I think he might be the only member to make the playoffs in all 3 of the previous League seasons. However, Max has fallen this far down the list for one reason and one reason only –Laveshka Shenault. You all remember that crazy bastard right? Max thought it was a good idea to take a flyer on a Jaguars rookie WR and doomed his 2020 season from the start. What, you think you’re better than me cause you watch SEC football? Well you ain’t. Crack the top 4 on these rankings and then come talk to me.

#4: Brendan “Beans” Cahill
The volatility of Beans Corp’s performance over the years has only been rivaled by that of his own weight. The peaks have been majestic- routine top finishes, multiple division championships and even a championship to show for it. But the valleys, and there have been plenty, have been damaging. Nick Chubb for CEH may have doomed what was a promising start to the season for Bean’s last year. Even though it ended in a 2nd place finish, there really was no chance with competing for a championship. I for one felt that Bean’s relied to heavily on Dalvin Cook’s old man knees and the roster manipulation could’ve been better executed. That said, I’m expecting a big bounce back year for our man, he’s due for another peak soon.

#3: Kris “Bridesmaid” Blaine
Simply stated, Kris has outperformed pretty much everyone since The Leagues coronation 3 seasons ago. He routinely drafts well, plays the waiver wire smartly and has a vast depth of fantasy knowledge. Unfortunately for our resident Scandinavian, all that has still failed to crown him top dog, so I can’t place you any higher on these rankings. Whatever it may be, bad scheduling breaks, plenty of injuries and some untimely poor performances in playoff weeks, Kris hasn’t been able to take that next step. Still, year in and year out, Kris is expected to be a contender for the belt and I wouldn’t expect anything different heading into 2021.

#2: Brent “Chief” Gotkin
The only thing bigger than Brent’s biceps is his own ego. The bad boy of fantasy football, Brent’s performance last year may have been the closest thing we’ve ever seen to pure fantasy perfection. In fact, he almost did go undefeated, until he ran into the juggernaut known as Kyler Murray (even if it was only for like 3 weeks). You’re welcome gents. Still, Brent wined and dined his way to a dominate regular season and postseason run, destroying everyone and everything in his way. A constant force to be reckoned with, you know Brent will be in the mix come the latter rounds of the playoffs.

#1: Andrew “The Chosen One” Vignali
Did you really expect anything else? No explanation needed — I’m the best there is and you know it. I don’t know why God blessed me with the fantasy football wizardry of a young Einstein, but I see everything better and faster than anyone when it comes to this shit. A minor blip on an otherwise immaculate resume, 2020 will be the last time I ever miss the playoffs, quote me on that. In fact, I’m going to personally guarantee a championship this year and back it up like I always do (remember I guaranteed handing Brent his first loss last year). I can go on and on but for the sake of time, I’ll wrap this up quickly. 2021: it’s coming home.

That’s all I got for an initial rankings. I’ll update this post-draft. Happy mocking and as always, Go League.