I’m sitting here bored as shit because I got the ‘vid. Everyone knows I had an illustrious streak of negative test after negative test. Everyone knows this. In the nearly two years since the virus came in like a wrecking ball I’ve had that swab suck up my lil nostrils countless times. Always negative. Then January 19, 2021 happens. All good streaks must come to an end. Just look up what happened on July 17, 1941.
“If you weren’t thinking you wouldn’t have thought that” – Michael “Squints” Palledorous. I find that throwaway line from “The Sandlot” incredibly profound. I legitimately say it to myself often when I find myself getting stressed out by things I can’t immediately fix. I’ve got a lot of adult things to worry about, like work and shit with my car, so spending several days alone isn’t great for the old brain department. Therefore, the healthiest thing I can do is think about fantasy football. And, boy, while locked up the last few days, I’ve been doing a lot of that.
All the fantasy content folks are ripping off their ice cold takes about the upcoming fantasy season, despite the fact the ’21 NFL season is still underway! Crazy! I bet the majority of the people think they’re spewing nonsense to get clicks because fantasy draft szn is seven months away. So much can change between now and then! Truly the worst types of clickbaiters. With that in mind, here at MustBeSunday.com we are so three-thousand-and-eight and all the other guys are so two-thousand-and-late. So, fuck it, here’s my projected 2023 first round for The League.
- Brad. I think Brad is going to have a monster 2022 and his hot streak will continue by winning the ’23 royal rumble. Brad opts for the first pick, which the last few years have shown he shouldn’t do, but how can he not, when the option to pick Jonothan Taylor is right there. Yes, folks, that’s right. J-Tay is extremely the real deal. The clear number one running back this past year is going to continue to dominate in ’22, especially since Carson Wentz can’t be trusted to throw the football, and be the number one overall pick for the second year in a row in ’23. Aside from their divisional matchups, the Colts will be playing the NFC South and AFC North in 2023. Taylor is going to absolutely feast on the defenses of the Falcons, Texans and Ravens. Clear number one. Way to go, Brad.
2. Abie. It seems like Abie is always in the back end of the middle picks. When I think of Abie I think of the sixth pick. Well, luckily for our guy Abie Bobby Lashley came through for him in the rumble, finishing in second place, getting thrown out of the ring by Umaga, Brad’s character. Abie opts for the second pick and selects none other than Derick Henry. The Last Dance. This will be his eighth season of an unforgettable career. Unfortunately for Abie in the ’21 season the King missed the final nine games of the year. Could this be the rest needed to give him some extra juice? Maybe! I’m always a glass half full guy. The Titans lead back is clearly going to play a big role next year, playing well enough to give Abie a reason to grab him with the second pick overall. Will the machine handle yet another massive workload in what will be year eight?
3. Because of Kofi Kingston, Andrew is going to have a choice at what pick he wants and it’s going to take him forever and then he’s going to go, “you know what fine alright fuck it I hate it but, oh my god, I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna take the third pick … FUCK!” Then he’s going to draft Najee Harris. Najee Harris had the rookie year that people thought CEH was going to have in ’20. I think people were actually a bit higher on CEH, but, still, Najee clearly was the best rookie going into the season and he certainly played like it. He finished RB4! On a horrible team! Nice. I don’t know if the Steelers are going to be much better come 2023, but year three Najee is going to be a problem.
4. Brent is going to pick right behind Andrew and it’s going to be a thing we hear about everyday in the six week period between the rumble and the draft. Andrew is going to talk shit and Brent is going to send his butterfly emjois. We all know this. Some things don’t change. One thing, however, that will have changed between now and then is Brent is going into the ’23 season fresh off a last place finish. What?! Javtone Williams of the Denver Broncos. Williams finished as RB17 this past year. Very solid, especially for a rookie. In ’22 he’s gonna make the leap over our old nemesis Melvin and further grow into that dude. He put up nice numbers despite only scoring four touchdowns in ’21. Rumor is the Broncos are looking to bring in a big time QB, someone who may be married to an RnB singer who is currently on the Seattle Seahawks. You may need to do some mental gymnastics to figure out who I’m talking about, but once you do, you’ll see why that’s huge for Williams. People make football far more complicated than it needs to be. Good offenses score more touchdowns. A better QB in Denver will make their offense better and therefore score more touchdowns. Javonte Williams will score some of those touchdowns. Easy pick. Nice one, Abie.
5. Tommy Bonez, you’re on the clock! We all know this guy loves Austin Ekeler. Austin Ekler this, Austin Ekler that, etc, etc. Ekeler proved his worth by having a dominating ’21 campaign, finished RB2 overall. Will he produce enough in 2022 to justify being a top five pick? You bet! Really good running back! This will be the third year in a row Thomas drafts Ekeler in the first round and by January 2024 they are real life friends which is sweet because I’ve never been friends with someone who is friends with a pro athlete before and that’s a cool thing to tell people.
6. Beans Corp. I’m going to draft Alvin Kamara . I will act confident, but die on the inside because I actually wanted to draft DeAndre Swift. I’m going Kamara solely on name which is DUMB drafting! Idiot! However, despite the fact the Saints have turned into one of the weirdest teams in football, Kamara is an asset and will still be first-round-worthy 21 months from now.
7. Jack takes DeAndre Swift and I shed a single tear because that’s the right pick here. 7th pick overall? I mean obviously. Jack drafts well. We all know this. Gotta take fourth year Swift here. I don’t think it’s a ridiculously scorching take to say the Lions are likely to be better in 2023. They have to be. In 2022 Swift is going to face the defenses of the Jaguars, Jets, Giants and Seahawks. Will be huge for his season totals. Clear first rounder going into ’23.
8. Where will Max be drafting from come 2023? I sure hope it’s with us in person, but who knows. Since we’re predicting things, I’m going to guess he will be in Charlottee, North Carolina. Moving in the overall direction of Bristol, kid. Max is going to fuck with us and act like he’s going to take Mike Williams to the point where we start to believe him and scramble through The League rules about the proper procedure to invoke the 25th Amendment. Just when he has us getting ready to attack he takes Joe Mixon. So boring omfg. Such a fantasy football guy. Seems like he’s been around for fifteen years. Joe is going to build upon his amazing ’21 campaign next year and prove he is first round material. Still, so boring.
9. Kris was the ninth pick in 2019 when I was the tenth. That was a fun draft. That was a fun time. Until the Uber to White Plains Debacle of 2021. “I would die for my boys to go to White Plains! You’re not even advocating for me to go!” Anyway, Kris takes Ja’Maar Chase here. I mean, this is obvious, right? You’re watching Kris sipping on Moon Rock Hard Seltzer or whatever we are drinking in 2023. He slowly approaches the draft board and, what’s this?!?!?! He is looking through the wide receiver pile! It then takes him fifteen minutes to realize that Chase’s name isn’t in there because half of the kit came with stickers for players who retired in 2015. He writes Ja’Maar out on a blank sticker and places it on the board at #9. Kris then locks eyes with me and makes that face he does during drafts when he’s fake nervous and excited. Maybe he really is nervous. I’m not sure. I don’t want to know. Absolute wildcard.
10. Ryan takes rookie running back Bijan Robinson out of Texas who will be drafted by the Seatle Seahawks
Yeah there’s some big names not going in the first round. CMC? Fool us once, shame on you, shame on you, fool us twice, shame on me, fool us a third time, shame on whoever drafts him in ’22. No way does this man go in the first round. Barkley? Didn’t even think of his name until now. Zeke? It pains me to say, but no. He had a really good fantasy year in ’21, but man, he’s slowing down, huh? “Oh but uhhh Cooper Kupp just had one of the best fantasy seasons ever!” – you. “Yeah he did, but he is not going to come close to that in ’22 and as a result people will be scared to take him in the first round. Relax, I’m sure he will go in the second.” – me. Deebo Samuel? T Hill? Devante Adams? Justin Jefferson? Relax, we are a ten person league. Don’t reach. You all know better.
Folks, I will see you in 2023! I’m sure I will be pulling up to the Vignali’s house on a flying car like it’s the goddamn Jetsons. Regardless of how I got there, I know I’ll be walking home. Go League. Go 2023.
Must Be Sunday 