As the old saying goes, “ah shit, here we go again.” Another year another season of The League. Hopefully. That depends on if people can wear masks or not. It ain’t looking too hot for college football, but, hey, but gotta keep the faith.
I’ve already done 15,000 hours worth of mock drafts so if this season is cancelled I need to know who to bill my wasted hours to. Time is money, baby.
In reality, it is absolutely imperative to stress that I fully understand if players opt out or if the season as a whole can’t happen. All personnel must work in a safe and healthy environment. My entertainment means shit. Everyone actually involved has their and their families to be worried about. Scrap it and try again next year if the NFL can’t ensure health. Now that I think about it, the NFL isn’t exactly known for going above and beyond to create a safe workplace, so let’s not hold our breath.
With that said, I’m waking up everyday and praying to all sorts of deities that the NFL works out. Picasso needed his paint, da Vinci needed his paint and all the other stuff he did and we need to watch tv and scream for 10 hours every Sunday. And for three hours every Thursday. And for three hours every Monday. It’s our art. It’s what we do.
Football comes with such a comforting routine. Let’s go through a normal Sunday during the fantasy season:
9:00 am: wake up with a smile on your face #mustbesunday
9:15 am: fifteen cups of coffee and a bagel and maybe some fruit if you’re trying to be healthy or whatever
9:30 am: shower and all that boring stuff – teeth brushing, deodorant, etc
10:00 am: Go to church and read the bible aka back to bed and read Matthew Berry’s latest takes
10:30 am: Crush a billion more coffees and look at your roster
10:31 am: panic
11:00 am: Oh my god Chris Carson isn’t playing? I’m dead cancel the season
11:01 am: nevermind we good
11:15 am: panic again because you misplayed bye weeks
11:30 am: Holy shit I hate David Montgomery
11:31 am: Fuck it, David Montgomery gets the start
11: 45 am: Listen to the Rocky Theme Song for the next hour and fifteen minutes
1:00 pm: Final roster check. Panic. Sandwich, or salad if you’re trying to be healthy or whatever. Head to your friend’s house, unless you have a cool house, then people go to your house
1:05 pm: Start sweating
1:15 pm: Open a bag of Tostitos
1:16 pm: Open another bag of Tostitos
1:45 pm: Worst first quarter of your life. Take out a second mortgage. Realize you don’t have a mortgage and look into buying a house so you can take out a first mortgage so you can then take out a second one
2:00 pm: Idiot, David Montgomery stinks
2:05 pm: David Montgomery receiving touch down. Smartest move in history
2:30 pm: Wings
2:32 pm: Agonize over the amount of wings you just ate
3:00 pm: Google if third mortgages exist
3:45 pm: Research the contact info for David Montgomery’s agent or PR rep so you know who to serve legal papers to because you’re suing him on the grounds of he stinks
4:00 pm: Explain that if Mason Crosby makes this field goal you WILL faint
6:30 pm: Wake up and drink some water
6:35 pm: Research if you can citizen arrest yourself for starting Robert Woods
7:00 pm: Check in with your loved ones
7:30 pm: Explain how the 4:00 pm slate is always bad for you and you make your bones during Sunday Night Football
8:15: Accept that not only today wasn’t your day, tonight isn’t gonna be your night
8:30: groan on the couch since your stomach hurts from the chips and wings and your heart hurts because your team must have done this to you on purpose
9:00 pm: 4.7 points by James White so far? He’s already almost halfway to his projection so it’s time to look into a waterfront
9:30 pm: Whip out the calculator and see how much you need from your one person playing tomorrow to win
9:31 pm: Look up if one player has ever scored 75 fantasy points in one week
10:00 pm: this game is over no point in watching
10:05 pm: Alright fine finish it up.
10:30 pm: Email Celino and Barnes to see if they do pro bono work for those suffering from a broken heart due to the fact their fantasy team stinks
11:00 pm: Go home and crawl into bed
12:00 am: Put your phone down. Remind yourself that staring won’t change the numbers you see
12:30 am: David Montgomery AND Robert Woods? IDIOT
Good life, right? Painful, but good. Things make sense that way. Probably not to most people, but if you know you know. Want to see life without football this fall?
9:00 am: wake up. Ugh.
9:01: Stare at the ceiling
7:00 pm: Go to sleep
It just won’t be the same. I don’t know about you but I’m not ready for all of the potential free time COVID may free up during football season. It could result in a new fulfilling hobby or something. Yuck.
Hopefully we can get things under control in the next four weeks so we don’t have to learn how to play gin rummy or go for walks. While the NFL absolutely needs to provide a safe environment for players, coaches and staff, we all need to do our part too. Above all, we need to respect the decisions players make and understand that we are not entitled to watching sports. If everything does work out, though, Celino and Barnes can be reached at (800) 888-8888.
Must Be Sunday 