Well boys, the big day finally came and went. I am still hungover. The booze flowed, wings were crushed, Kareem Hunt went wayyy earlier than he probably should have, and Lebron actually bit me. There were winners, there were losers and then there was one draft strategy that was so bizarre that Dave Gettleman couldn’t have picked a worse team even if he tried (I kid, he probably can). Anyway, as the defending champion, I’m sure the world waits with bated breath for my thoughts on what went down Saturday, so without further hesitation, let’s get into it!
First, let’s discuss the winners of this years draft. As always, the Usual Suspects came away looking like they’re gonna dominate this years regular season. Not only do me, Kris and Brent all look really strong in front of the mirror section at your local Retro Fitness, but our drafts look equally strong on paper. Sorry Kris, but I had to swoop in and steal Todd Gurley at the beginning of the 4th Round, but I’m sure you weren’t too upset because you still had a hard on after your first three picks (SaQuads, D-Hop and Davante Adams if you need a refresher). After all the shit talk that spewed from Brent’s mouth last year saying “Top tier this… top tier that, etc.”, it seems Brent came in on a mission to ensure his team reached its top tier potential. Zeke, Julio, Chris Carson, Melvin Gordon and Keenan Allen is as top a top 5 as you’ll find out there. Will Brent finish top tier? Probably not if we’re being honest, but I think he put himself in a great position to at least not finish last.
But just as there are obvious winners in every draft, there were some obvious losers, and I have to begin with my man Marzy. Great kid, love the guy, but he drafts like a Helen Keller driving a bus full of orphaned school children, in other words a complete disaster. I simply have no words for taking 6 straight WRs in rounds 3-8, especially after your top two picks have some heavy question marks at the RB position. We all know Joe Mixon stinks and CEH is an unproven rookie back in a pass heavy offense. Also he did the Taysom Hill thing again. Ryan, I hope you prove me wrong, but I’d start prepping for another shitty punishment (TBD).
The only other obvious loser in this draft, I hate to say, is my guy Lebron. I mean Chris Godwin over Davante Adams? Eh don’t love it. James Conner over Davante Adams, what are you stupid? Not only that, but a backup Kareem Hunt in the fourth round when there were other teams RB1’s still on the board was not a great move. Those three picks certainly raised some eyebrows and I hope don’t come back to bite you in the ass. Well actually I do since you proceeded to bite me on the neck later in the evening in the midst of a global pandemic.
I want to quickly touch upon the drafts of the remaining owners in The League that haven’t already been mentioned. Beans, Dalvin Cook’s injury history scares me (which is why I went Derrick Henry over him in round 1), but if he stays healthy, Dalvin and Nick Chubb offer a hell of a RB duo. Almost the exact same thing can be said about Abie’s top 2 picks, Kenyan Drake and Aaron Jones. Kenyan Drake’s relatively unpredictability (only having played a handful of games in Arizona’s Air Raid offense) and Aaron Jones TD dependency last year both raised some red flags, but they too can really offer a strong 1-2 RB duo. Alex, you know I’m a guy who loves RBs early and often, and for that reason I was not a fan of Travis Kelce with the first pick of the 2nd round, but I can understand why he would be an attractive pick. Hope it works out for ya. Everyone had already penciled in Jack taking Zeke with the 3rd overall pick, so the real first upset of the day came when he took the other OSU golden boy Mikey Thomas with his first round pick. Lots of other former Buckeyes found there way onto Jack’s team, so I hope he knows what he was doing.
Last, but certainly not least is the only minor celebrity among our ownership group, Maxwell Cohen. Max, a huge round of applause for joining us virtually for the big day and conducting a rather smooth draft from the Deep South (unlike the Lebron disaster from the year prior), so kudos to you. All I have to say is you took Sammy Watkins so you’re team automatically stinks, but Kamara and Tyreek Hill aren’t bad I guess.
Well, that about wraps it up. Excuse me while I scour the waiver wire looking for a new kicker cause fucking Matt Gay got sacked yesterday. Can’t wait to do what we do best and scream about how Ronald Jones is ruining our lives every 5 minutes come Sunday. Commish out.
Must Be Sunday 