God, what a week it was in the fantasy world. After a 255 day wait, Thursday morning finally arrived and I turned into a 6 year old boy waking up on Christmas morning again, excited for what the week and season would bring. That feeling lasted until about 7:00 on Sunday after I got the shit kicked into me by Jack’s three headed monster known as Tyreek Hill-Deebo Samuel-Tyler Lockett. Whatever, its one week. No team in NFL history sans the ’72 Dolphins has run the table and neither has a proud franchise in The League — so I was bound to lose eventually. Might as well get it out of the way early.
Anyway, its time for everyone’s favorite column, your updated Power Rankings. Week one saw some mighty rises, some hefty falls and everything in-between. That’s why we play the games folk! So without further ado, lets get crack-a-lacking with no. 10…
10. Buffalo Bonez – Thomas Antonello (Previous Rank: 6)
I didn’t even notice you changed your name until just now, maybe the Bonez Hogs would have fared better? Anyway, the Bonez’s were victims of this week’s biggest blowout and lowest scoring team, dropping a pathetic 89.64 in their inaugural matchup. Tommy, did you not listen to this week’s League Talk? We warned you Mike Evans is a fraud. The oft-injured Austin Ekeler did what he does best, get injured. Najee Harris flat out stinks and Lamar Jackson is seemingly getting worse every week he plays. At least Chase Edmonds did kinda good for Chase Edmonds standards, but still nothing to write home about. Anyway, Bonez, you got some real GMing wizardry to do to right the ship. After one week, the Tommy Bones is in the pole position for the stand up stage. Not where you wanna be.
9. The Martians – Ryan O’Connell (Previous Rank: 10)
Things could’ve only gone up for The Martians after our initial power rankings which saw them rank dead last. Well Ryan, you did manage to improve one spot, progress! Ryan had a pretty average performance this week, cracking the 115 point mark, right at his projection. But what came as a shock was where Ryan had his poor performances, namely his top two picks Davante Adams and Antonio Gibson. Things really looked glum for The Martians until Melvin Gordon III ripped off a 70 yard touchdown run late in that Broncos game (I nearly fell off my couch in disbelief but I can attest it really did happen). Can’t count on that every week I’m afraid. I was also afraid Dionte Johnson and CeeDee would suffer sophomore slumps, but both put up very good performances. Anyway Ryan, good job I guess? Still think you need to improve your RBs or it could be another long season for King Marzy.
#8. South Jersey 4th & Schlong – Brad Peddito (Previous Ranking: 6)
I know what you’re all thinking, Brad’s team won week one and yet still fell two spots from the previous week? Well, this is a forward looking ranking more than anything. And I got some bad news for our boy and his name is Saquon Barkley. I think he stinks, his team stinks and therefore your team stinks. I wouldn’t have touched him with a 10 foot pole, no matter what round he fell to me. Throw in a Brandon Aiyuk bagel (goose egg alert!), and pedestrian performances from Robert Woods, Keenan Allena and Logan Thomas, Brad was fortunate to escape week one with a win. Anyway, the real story of Brad’s team is his mighty mite QB, the fantasy godsend known as Kyler Murray. But Brad, I feel often times you’ll be relying too heavily on a 30+ point performance from Kyler to make up for an otherwise mediocre team. Trust me, as someone who went that route last year, its not often a recipe for success.
#7. The Norse Horse – Kris Blaine (Previous Ranking: 2)
I take great pleasure in reporting a tough week for the Nordic Horse’s in the 2021 opener. It appears I was completely off with my Myles Gaskin sleeper prediction, the guy stinks. Same could be said about JuJu, who’s quickly dropped to the #3 option in the Steeler’s offense. Overall, I expect Aaron Jones, Allen Robinson, Josh Allen and Damien Harris to perform much better than they had this week, which is why I didn’t drop Kris further even though he was the second lowest scoring team this week. Speaking of Damien Harris, I’m afraid he’ll be banished to Bill Belichick’s Dog House for coughing up the ball that led to the Patriots’ defeat on Sunday, someone to look out for going forward (James White fantasy owners rejoice). Perhaps Kris can swing Gronk to a TE desperate team to fill some holes, but I doubt he panics after one lousy performance.
#6. Kamara Chameleons – Max Cohan (Previous Ranking: 7)
The League’s biggest wildcard, one week into the fantasy season and we still have more questions than answers concerning the Chameleons. Are they good? Are they bad? Well for one thing, they are 1-0. Max’s team had an up down Sunday. The good? Adam Thielen, Darren Waller, Mike Williams (sorry for clowning you on the pod) and Steelers D. The bad? Calvin Ridley. Then there was the ugly, Aaron Rodgers. Pretty remarkable Max pulled out a victory with such a pitiful performance from last years MVP. Max’s bench only dropped 8.2 points so depth could be a bit of a concern going forward, but for now, a 1 game winning streak goes along way to shut the haters up.
#5. Thomas and Friends – Andrew Vignali (Previous Ranking: 9)
Alright, a move in the right direction! Even though it didn’t result in a victory, Da Commish had a very encouraging week one performance, scoring the third most points in week 1. Honestly, though, outside of Matt Gay and Jalen Hurts, still can’t believe that trade didn’t get vetoed (ducks), I feel my team left a lot still on the table. A lot of touchdowns sure, but not much else. Dalvin didn’t Dalvin. DK didn’t DK. Josh Jacobs ran for 36 yards so I guess that sounds about right. Is Clyde Edwards-Helaire a good football player? 17 games into his career, I don’t think so. Still, dropping 145 points despite these performances is an encouraging sign for the Vig’s. Let’s fucking go. Also, I got Alexander Mattison in the most irrelevant trade ever so that’s cool.
#4. Beans Corp – Brendan Cahill (Previous Ranking: 3)
A drop in the rankings for Beans Corp? Almost as bad as dropping the first game of the season, which Brendan did as well. Still, much of what was said above about me holds true for the Corp. The League’s 4th highest scoring team ran into the yet to be ranked freight train known as The Flandrew’s; losing despite a highly respectable 132. You know Bean’s Corp is going to be good because he has CMC, a freaking fantasy vulture. I was heavily invested in that Jets-Panthers game for obvious reasons and I swear McCaffrey had 100 touches by the end of the first quarter. As long as he stays healthy (a big if considering his usage), Bean’s Corp is looking very strong. To top things off, D’Andre Swift appears to be an early favorite for breakout candidate of the year and Miles Sanders didn’t suck like we all expected. Bounce back weeks from Herbert, Diggs and Chris Carson should have Bean’s in good position to bounce back with a week 2 dub.
#3. Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0 – Jack Staub (Previous Ranking: 8)
I still think the #3 spot may be a little high, but can’t deny the week one results that saw our man and all around good-guy Jack drop 157 and completely rip my heart out in week 1. I’m starting the believe that Tyreek Hill may be the best wide receiver to ever play the game of football, at least the version of him we saw on Sunday. Add in that Tyler Lockette couldn’t stop stealing touchdowns from DK Metcalf, Deebo freaking Samuel dropped 27 points and Tom Brady continues to facefuck Father Time, it was a bad week to be me. It happens. Outside those obvious outlier performances however, nobody really did anything too notable on Jack’s team, which is why I have my doubts for his continued success. Jonathan Taylor is eh, Mike Davis stinks, that’s all I have to say about that Jack’s RBs. Anyway, congrats. Fuck.
#2. HOCKEYPRO69 – Abie Leider (Previous Ranking: 1)
After talking the talking all summer long, the 69ers walked the walk in week one, easily defeating the Nordic Horses. Abie’s gonna score a lot of points cause of Patrick Mahomes- already the best quarterback to ever play the game. Additionally, Abie has De’Andre Hopkins, the best wide receiver to ever play the game. Also, TJ Hockenson must’ve tuned into last week’s pod and put the whole league on notice with a revenge game after the shit talk, you’re welcome. Julio and Derrick Henry got buttfucked by the Arizona Cardinals, so they should bounce back next week. However, the reason for dropping one spot is because the injury bug reared its ugly head and struck not one, but two of Abie’s starters; Jerry Jeudy and Raheem Mostert. Hate to see it, but a part of the game nonetheless. Can Abie survive? Tune into this season of The League to find out.
#1. The Flandrews – Brent Gotkin (Previous Ranking: 4)
Picture the local fourth grade spelling bee. The contestant is given the word “juggernaut”. Perplexed at first, the contestant asks for the definition. The host repeats “Juggernaut (noun): a huge, powerful, and overwhelming force or institution.” Still unsure, the contestant asks for the word to be used in a season. Obliging the request, the host repeats-“Brent’s team is a juggernaut.”
See what I did there? Things couldn’t have gotten off to a better start for the defending champions Flandrews. High points for the week and a victory over archrival Beans Corp has Brent riding high and into the drivers seat to another fantasy championship. Can’t believe I ever doubted the Cowboys, even though Zeke sucks (Ditto what I said earlier about Barkley). Dak Prescott is gonna throw for 6,000 yards, 3,000 of which will go to Amari Cooper. Joe Mixon is a beautiful piece of shit. AJ Brown, Cooper Kupp, DJ Moore and Dallas Goedert round out an impressive starting lineup. Also the bench is deep with Trey Sermon (RIP Mostert) and Corey Davis. Can’t believe we allowed this again.
Biggest Rise: Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0
Biggest Fall: The Norse Horse
That’s all she wrote for week 1. Can’t wait to kick start it again with the worst Thursday Night game of all time, Taylor Heineke v. Daniel Jones (shit).
Happy Yom Kippur.
Must Be Sunday 