Man oh man oh man. I tell you one thing though: it’s good to be back! We have an all new chart set-up to not care about, and a whole lot of reading to not read. I’m excited, hope you are too. If you’re just reading this as I’m posting, I’d probably go to sleep and start with this fresh in the morning. It’ll be like the morning paper, but better. Also, did you see that I’m listed as the author of this post instead of Beans? Plus I gave myself a cool ramen noodle avi, nothing to do with football. If you want to get your name in the author space, hit me up with an e-mail address and we’ll get you on the payroll. But I digress, let’s get into it:
Auction:
We had our first big scramble for a player, as well as our first 30-burger! The big winner, our reigning champ Brent, went on to trade Mr. Mitchell after spending nearly a third of his entire budget. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it works out. Max, Brad, Thomas and Abie all put up some money for Elijah “The Prophet” as well and lived to see another day. Check out the chart at the bottom of the column, I’m keeping track of that shit.
Abie spent $13 FAAB on Sterling Shepard, who put up that same amount of points in his Sunday Slaughter of yours truly. I guess he didn’t have to worry about replacing Raheem Mostert when Derrick Henry plays like 3 RBs in one.
Max Cohan. Who did you sell your soul to for Elijah Mitchell? Everyone who was anyone from 9/13 to 9/14 was talking about picking that bad boy up, and you got him for free? You even “outbid” Brad for Kenneth Gainwell, even though he had a higher offer, since he ended up getting Mark Ingram II for $8 and choosing Baker Mayfield as the player to drop for every offer (including Jared Goff, who got a $5 bid (same as Kenneth)). Hey Brad, you saving Sony Michel for later or something?
Nobody really had positive returns on their FAAB pick-ups this week, but one team who definitely saw a negative return was our other new guy Tommy Bonez, who dropped Graham Gano (22 pts.) for Ryan Succop (5 pts.). At least he only spent a buck and still got the win.
As a refresher and for the new guys, a player’s name highlighted blue means they’ve been added or dropped already this year, with a red/orange border meaning they’ve been added/dropped multiple times. The rest of the colors are just to show how high or low your offer is, or the positive or negative point returns the player/team saw the week of the acquisition.
Add/Drop
New for this season, I’m also going to highlight some of the good and bad free agent pick-ups. It’s definitely nice to see that all the players who were added scored more points than their dropped counterparts (even though a lot were due to injuries), but three transactions stood out to me this week:
Beans picked up Jared Cook who got a couple points. I wrote this down but I don’t think it really has to do with Jared Cook, but he could have won if he played James White instead of Miles Sanders. Sorry to rub it in, who could have known?
Daaaaaaaaaa BEARS. Their defense went on a tear this week and helped Justin Fields get his first W, you love to see it. Especially from the previously downtrodden Commish on a week when you’re not playing him. This add definitely helped Vigs in his win over the Jewish Journalist. L’Shana Tova, buddy.
If you’re like me, then you watched a seven-part YouTube documentary on the History of the Atlanta Falcons (shoutout Jon Bois and the rest of Dorktown). If you watched that documentary, then you know that the Falcons always find a way to screw up in the most surprising but at the same time predictable ways. That kind of luck came my way when I decided to hang back from the auction and pick up Cordarelle Patterson as a handcuff to Mike Davis, then he proceeded to sit on the bench where he notched a pair of TDs and 21 points (about the same margin I lost to Abie by). Classic.
“New charts, what do you think?”
That’s a little riff on a quote from the business card scene of American Psycho. Problematic Alert, uhhhh you know you’re not supposed to idolize those characters right??? Well then why the fuck are they all so COOL and GOOD LOOKING? I blame Hollywood, the jerks. Anyway, here look at this:
Okay, it’s late. I need to get myself hydrated for another fun day at work now that all my content has been created. Just kidding, I’ll probably set up for next week with the Auction Report from yesterday. Some more big buys, maybe some big points in return? Who’s to say? In about 22 hours, Week 3 will begin. For now, this has been The Wire, thanks for hanging in there if you’ve read this far, hopefully there will be less stuff to explain next week and maybe I won’t write the column Stoney Baloney like I did this week 😉
Must Be Sunday 