**Disclaimer: This was written yesterday I just forgot to post it in the haste of preparing for last night’s podcast**
5 weeks down, 12 more to go before my crown our 4th champion in LeagueStory. Already, the playoff picture is taking shape. Some teams are flying high, others are crashing low and plenty of teams in-between. I’m sure you are all waiting with baited breath to find out where you fall in this week’s Power Rankings. Well, wait no longer. Let’s jump right into it with our numero diez…
#10. South Jersey 4th & Schlong – Brad Peddito (Previous Ranking: 9)
Brad commented last week that one day he will crack the top 8 in #BrentsCommish’s weekly power rankings. I’m sorry Brad, but you’ll have to wait another week. Actually, I’m starting to doubt that that day will ever come, especially after seeing Saquon’s ankle get rolled over the way it did on Sunday. Ouchie. Not that a fully healthy Saquon would’ve made much of a difference. Brad was finally victimized by a pedestrian Kyler Murray on Sunday which pretty much ruined any chance of an Abie upset. The only folks on Brad’s team who came to play were Nick Chubb and Robert Loggia Woods. Somehow the Charges scored 47 points and Keenan Allen only mustered 75 yards, yikes. You know your team sucks when you resort to starting Zach Ertz, double yikes. Not much else happening on Brad’s bench to note. Anyway, I’m bored with this team so moving on.
#9. Norse Horse – Kris Blaine (Previous Ranking: 8)
Another week, another move in the wrong direction for the Nordics. Last week’s number 8 team dropped his 4th game out of 5 in the early portion of the season to the devilishly handsome and always good at fantasy Vigs. Hey, that’s me! Sorry about that bud. Anywho, Kris had a pretty meh performance,. 126 points is not too great, not too bad, but it definitely wasn’t enough to top ya boy. It looked like it was going to be way worse, but Josh Allen laid the beatdown on prime time television against KC. Too bad not enough of those gorgeous passes went to Stefon Diggs. Damien Williams showed the importance of a quality handcuff RB so good job there. Lenny Fournette escaped the barren wasteland that is Jacksonville and is suddenly a good fantasy player – who’d have thought? But too little from his receivers, namely Marvin Jones and Jared Cook, flushed Kris’s chances at a victory like a big ol’ turd – synonymous with his current team.
#8. Beans Corp – Brendan Cahill (Previous Ranking: 10)
He’s bacccck. Nobody, and I mean nobody, needed a victory more this week than last week’s biggest loser Beanso. And for most of Sunday, it looked like it was gonna be another long one for my podcast co-host. However, Justin Herbert would not let Beans go down in vain, single handedly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat with a 40 burger and putting Beans Corp back into the thick of things on the fantasy season. D’Andre Swift had another big game. Courtland Sutton mustered 20+ points and Travis Kelce more than made up for last weeks stinker. Add that all up and it was enough to take down the hottest name in fantasy in what was probably the best game of the weekend. Beans should be worried about his thin RB depth behind Swift (at least till McCaffrey comes back) as Miles Sanders and Damien Harris aren’t going to cut it. Still, nothing but positive vibes coming your way this week.
#7. Waller Nothing – Max Cohan (Previous Ranking: 6)
I guarantee I’m gonna be hearing from him after this one but I don’t care. I said it after last week and it remains true, Max’s team is a fraud. It sucks to score in the 130s and lose huh? Which is unfortunate because this was one of Max’s better weeks of the season. Alvin Kamara turned back the clock all the way to 2018 and finally had a big week. Kareem Hunt enjoyed a nice afternoon in that wacky Browns-Chargers game that saw a billion points scored. Speaking of that game, Mike Williams went OFF. We all know this by now, but he’s actually having a good year, I can’t explain it! Goes to show how far a stud QB can carry an otherwise very mediocre WR core. Anyway, that was about all the good for the Waller’s. Their namesake Darren and the Raiders have come back to life with another stinker. Alex Collins and Zack Moss? I guarantee in the history of fantasy football, this was the first time that combo of RBs every started in the same lineup. I don’t know what’s good with Adam Thielen either. And Aaron Rodgers could only muster 19 against the friggin’ Bengals? I don’t even have a joke for that one – he just stinks.
#6. The Martians – Ryan O’Connell (Previous Ranking: 7)
Cue the damn music. “He ain’t go-ing nowhere….” Seriously, King Marzy is 3-2 through 5 weeks and fully in the Fantasy playoff race. The big story this week? Mark Andrew dropping 36 Big Macs in that crazy Monday Night game in Baltimore. Ryan only needed about 4 points heading into that one, but Mark secured Marzy the victory with relative ease. The other big guns Davante Adams and Antonio Gibson laid the beatdown in #PlayoffMarz’s upset of Brent. Unfortunately, it might be hard stringing wins together moving forward considering Russell Wilson is down for a few weeks. We’ll also see how Ryan’s affected by the big trade that went down, seeing him ship out Adams and CeeDee to Kris, who was in desperate need of a team makeover, for Chris Carson and Stefon Diggs. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it plays out.
#5. The Flandrew’s – Brent Gotkin (Previous Ranking: 2)
Ok, I’m getting a little sick of writing about Brent getting fucked over on Monday Night Football. Wait, who am I kidding, it’s hilarious! Still, Brent is putting up with the likes only seen before when Alex (RIP) started like 0-7 in 2019 despite being the second highest scoring team. A pretty mediocre 120 was not enough to top the Martian’s as Brent dropped his third straight. Simply put, it was the Zeke and Kyle Pitts show for The Flandrew’s on Sunday. Thanks for showing up guys. Sadly if you’re a Brent guy, they’re all who showed up. DJ Moore, Cooper squared (Amari and Kupp), AJ Brown and Mixon all sucked with a capital S. I know he’s gonna act like it’s all good and he has everything under control, but we know Brent is secretly dying on the inside. We all expect better. Brent, maybe start preparing a few standup jokes.
#4. Buffalo Bonez – Thomas Antonello (Previous Ranking: 4)
Not gonna penalize my man Bonez here for dropping his first game after a three-game winning streak as Tommy remains in the number 4 spot. The same thing holds true as always, Austin Ekeler is a freaking monster *as long as his hammy remains intact*. I told y’all Najee Harris was gonna be the next Le’Veon in Pittsburgh. You’re welcome for the advice Tommy. Also, you’re welcome for Mike Evans. He stinks but he must have a personal vendetta against Da Commish because he keeps proving me wrong. Sadly, OBJ ACTUALLY stinks and at this point is looking like he should barely be playing CFL football, let alone on Sunday. I have no idea what happened with Chase Edmonds. Did he get hurt? Genuinely have no idea. Justin Jefferson definitely did not get hurt, however, so 15 points from him is a disappointment considering what he averages weekly. Does Matt Stafford stink suddenly? 16 points against the SeaGirls is horrible. Anyway, Bonez, you can’t win ‘em all.
#3. Thomas & Friends – Andrew Vignali (Previous Ranking: 5)
Yeah, my all around solid team continues to do all around solid things. At least 130 points for the 5th straight week (only guy in The League do so) and a victory against arch-rival Kris, it was a good Sunday. Speaking of good Sunday’s, DK and Dawson Knox had GREAT Sunday’s (ok, DK’s was technically on Thursday). The best handcuff in football continued to rock ‘n roll in Dalvin Cook’s absence (thanks Max!). Hurts, Henderson and Jacobs all had pretty average games for their liking, but it didn’t matter. I even correctly played Corey Davis over CEH. It’ll be interesting to monitor the RB2 position going forward with CEH’s MCL all banged up. But, as I expected this to happen, I snatched up his handcuff Darrel Williams last week while y’all slept. Go Me!
#2. HOCKEYPRO69 – Abie Leider (Previous Ranking: 1)
Shocking, I know. Abie wins and drops a spot? That’s more of a testament to our yet-to-be-revealed number 1 team. Anyway, Abie continued his hot streak with an easy victory against Brad, which was good news for Abie considering his man Patrick Mahomes had probably the worst game of his acclaimed career. Derrick Henry shit-kicked Urban Meyer and the Jaguars on Sunday for like the billionth time and his counterpoint James Robinson was not too shabby either. Add some solid performances from Michael Pittman and De’Andrew Hopkins and it all adds up to a 4-1 start for the 69ers and the top seed through 5 weeks. It’s amazing he continues to win considering all the injuries Abie’s suffered (Jeudy, Julio, Mostert, Shepard). Will his luck run out? Will he finally get healthy? Will I figure out a clever way to finish off this team write-up? Spoiler, I can’t and I really want to finish this before the Rangers game so let me continue on to….
#1. Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0 – Jack Staub (Previous Ranking: 3)
Get ready to change your GroupMe name bud. Through 5 weeks, my roommate and gganbu Jack has accumulated the most points in The League (I’m a close second let me add). Still, let’s not take anything away from the JTT2.0’s. I’m just gonna put it bluntly, there’s no explanation for how he does it, but Tom Brady continues to ass fuck Father Time. Touchdown Tommy is playing arguably the best QB’ing the sport has seen at age 44. I laughed when he first picked up Cordarrelle Patterson, but now it’s Jack who is laughing all the way to the bank with 15 points and a TD against my Jetsies. Sigh. I’m pissed off I didn’t take Jamarr when I had the chance, easily the ROY front runner. But the MVP for Jack on Sunday actually came on Monday night! His namesake Jonathan Taylor needed only 3 points against Baltimore to secure victory, and managed only 10x that. Rodrigo added 5 points before rupturing every ligament/tendon in his kicking leg for good measure. So with all that, we got a new front runner for the championship belt.
Biggest Rise: Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0/Bean’s Corp/Thomas & Friends
Biggest Fall: The Flandrew’s
Ah yes, finished just in time for puck drop. Let’s Go Rangers. Anyway, don’t reflect on these rankings for too long. Week 6 kickoffs in twenty-four hours with a doozy, the defending champion Bucs against the scumbag Eagles, sorry Brad. You know I’ll be watching intently. We know the Bucs will win by 30 but I’m rooting for 2 garbage time touchdowns from my main man Jalen as he always does. So, with the well wishes of my fantasy QB in your thoughts, let me leave you with the two greatest words in sports…
Go League!
Must Be Sunday 