*Disclaimer: I’m writing this introduction as of Tuesday night, 8:19 p.m. EST
Oh my fuck. Seriously, my head is spinning from all of today’s activity. Maybe y’all trade deadline’s confused, today’s is only the NFL’s. The League’s deadline is not for another month. A lot of bullshit happened today. Listen to the podcast if you want a breakdown of everything. I’m only here to talk teams and results. So let’ start talking, starting with the worst team yet again…
#10. South Jersey 4th & Schlong – Brad Peddito (Previous Ranking: 10)
It’s great that I can pencil in Bradley to the number 10 spot and just move on with my life every week. Seriously, did anybody expect anything different. A 50-point beatdown at the hands of #BrentsCommish isn’t good for much unless if you’re a fan of Brad’s standup aspirations. An already tall order was made even taller after Kyler Murray laid a dud on TNF and pretty much set the stage for how this contest was gonna go. Nick Chubb continues to majorly disappoint. Somehow the Eagles RBs accounted for 4 rushing touchdowns, and none went to Kenneth Gainwell. Speaker of Eagles, Devonta Smith and the former Bird Zach Ertz also missed their projections. Then there was Emmanuel Sanders who victimized Brad with our first goose egg of the season. **I’m sure it’s happened already but I’m too lazy to look it up** The only thing that saved Brad from having a historically awful performance (which from hence forth we’ll call “Pulling a Ryan”) was the Eagles D, who managed 20 big smacks against the lowly Lions. Somewhere my brother Ryan is crying. Somewhere a little further south, so is Brad. Sad.
#9. Beans Corp – Brendan Cahill (Previous Ranking: 9)
Maybe one of these weeks Beans will turn it around. Sadly, it didn’t come against Abie in week 8. Brendan’s leading scorer for this week wasn’t even rostered until about 5 minutes before kickoff on Thursday, and even though Cobb only snagged 3 receptions, 2 of those managed to come in the endzone. Can’t complain about 15 points from Randall. You can complain, however, about Travis Kelce, the big addition from that ill-fated trade with Kris a few weeks back. Yeah, he’s TE1, but he has been struggling for Kelce standards and has largely disappointed in the Beans Corp lineup, refusing to eclipse 15 points for 6 games in a row now. You know who also sucked? Laviska Shenault, Courtland Sutton, D’Andre Swift and Tyler Higbee; all of whom scored below 5.6 points. Damien Harris is finally showing out as the feature back in NE so I guess that’s one thing you got going for you. Anyway, Beans has had a massive roster shakeup (check out this week’s pod for more) so who knows how things will turn out next week. But we’re all in agreement, something had to be done…and it was done.
#8. The Martians – Ryan O’Connell (Previous Ranking: 8)
I’m sorry to report, but Marzy is officially in a tailspin. Three straight defeats and three straight stinkers for our resident TikTok’er. I’ll switch it up and start with the good here… which was shockingly Melvin Gordon? I swear I’m not reading this incorrectly, old arthritis leg managed to double-dip into the endzone on a rush and a reception. Pretty rad! Ryan Tannehill continues to rock and roll in Tennessee after escaping the wrath of Adam Gase. Stefon Diggs and Diontae Johnson both missed their projection, but only slightly. Compare that to the rest of Ryan’s squad and there are basically prime Jerry Rice and T.O. Now for the bad, which is namely the WFT duo of Antonio Gibson and Scary Terry, both managed less than half their projected total. Scary Terry even managed to do so on Halloween! I guess he should change his nickname to not-so-Scary. Christian Kirk had 6.6, what more could you want from him? The Bucs D got ransacked up and down the field by Trevor Siemen of all people. All in all, just an ugly performance from Marzy who desperately needs a victory against the high powered Flandrew’s this week or risk another lost season.
#7. Jersey Jerry Seinfeld – Max Cohan (Previous Ranking: 7)
Alright Max, two things before I rip into you. First, please just stick to one team name for the season. This act is getting old and isn’t funny. Second, what the hell does your new name even mean? Jerry Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn and grew-up in Massapequa. He’s a New Yorker through and through. Read a Wikipedia article for once. Anyway, I already wasted enough of everyone’s time, so I’ll keep this one short. Your team sucked yet again. Mike Williams, Noah Fant, Zack Moss, Aaron Rodgers, and Mike Evans all personally owe you an apology. I’m crying… the one time you don’t play Elijah Mitchell of course is the week he goes for 19. It wouldn’t have mattered; this game was all Bonez. Anyway, Max was on the other side of the aforementioned trade with Beanso, so if you want my thoughts on the lookout for the rest of his season, best tune in to the latest episode of League Talk, the official podcast of The League.
#6. Buffalo Bonez – Thomas Antonello (Previous Ranking: 5)
I don’t actually think Thomas is the 6th best team in The League, but I’m knocking him down a spot as a one-week punishment for the bullshit him and Jack tried to pull earlier today. I’m sure he doesn’t care about this arbitrary punishment, but it makes me feel better and overall more powerful, so fuck off. Besides, I had to shake up the standings somehow. Finally removed from bye-week purgatory, Bonez’s team was back to its winning ways. Ekeler and Najee must’ve used the bye week to rest their little legs, which allowed them to run all over Pats and Brownies respectively. It was easy to pick the right QB this week with only Stafford to choose from, and he added a strong 24 bing-bongs. Chase Edmonds, Tee Higgins and Van Jefferson all cracked double digits. I guess the only disappointment was Justin Jefferson, who settled for a measly 3.1 on his voyage to Trayvon Diggs Island. Thomas will have to take on Beans in the up-coming week without Jamarr Chase (because we veto’d that trade remember). Will it matter? Probably not.
#5. Norse Horse – Kris Blaine (Previous Ranking: 6)
By default of Thomas dropping a slot this week, my man Kris Blaine shot up into the top 5 for the first time in weeks. Consider it a post-surgery present and well wishes. Kris was this week’s closest loser, dropping his game to Brent but only by 17. I’ve said all along that the trade for Davante and CeeDee really balanced out Kris’s team; and he’s had 3 great weeks in a row now. Aaron Jones got things going to a hot start with a huge 20 points on Thursday. It should have been more, but Matt LaFleur inexplicably refused to run the ball at the goal-line on that final possession. Josh Allen went off for a huge second half against Miami and dropped a 30 burger, also throwing 16 the way to his Bills (unvaccinated) counterpart Cole Beasley. In one of his last weeks of fantasy relevance, Chubba Hubba scored a respectable 13.6; and CeeDee accounted for 14 more on SNF. Hell, even Nick Folk kicked 15. However, it was all for naught as a trio of Florida based players doomed the Nordics. Gaskin, Lenny F and Gronk combined for only a dirty dozen. Had they just managed their projection, it would’ve been just enough to take down Brent. Damn. Kris has his second of three against Da Commish this week, so as Rocky III anti-hero Clubber Lang would predict, pain is in the forecast. Hopefully at least you’re hip feels better (I think that’s it, right?).
#4. HOCKEYPRO69 – Abie Leider (Previous Ranking: 4)
Abie, I’m sorry bro. Of every weekly team write up I’ve ever done, this one hurts the most… metaphorically and literally. In the past week, Abie has lost his golden child, Derrick Henry, and his ace in the hole, Michael Thomas. What a waste. Add on top of that prolonged injuries to Raheem Mostert, Julio Jones and Jerry Jeudy, it’s a miracle Abie has gotten off to the start he has. Hell, even James Robinson is questionable this week after hurting his ankle last game. Oh, and De’Andre Hopkins as well. Week 8 saw the 69ers defeat Beans Corp in a rather low scoring affair, 117-76. Can’t really fault Abie though when half his team went down early in their respective games. Out of those who played a full 60, he got good returns from his boys Michael Carter and Michael Pittman. Hey, maybe they can bring back the old Mike & Mike Morning show on ESPN. TJ Hockenson also had a strong 13 in his TE spot. You know who sucks now? Patrick Mahomes. He couldn’t even blow out the Giants at home at put up only a stinky 14. Anyway, moving forward, I really have no idea what Abie does from here on out. He quietly scooped up Adrian Peterson on Monday to replace Henry, but I doubt you can count on him to be anything more than a flex option, and a bad one at that. My deepest sympathies.
#3. Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0 – Jack Staub (Previous Ranking: 2)
What?? You didn’t think I wasn’t going to punish Jack here as well? Well, as the other party involved in the tomfoolery with Bonez, I have no choice but to drop Jack a spot this week. For seemingly the 8th time out of 8, my man Jack was the big winner of the week, dropping 160 big smacks in a complete beatdown over Marzy to move to 6-2 and maintain the #1 seed in The League. It’s easier to start with what went bad on Sunday for the JTT’s, only Dalton Schultz’s poor 2.1. Everyone else cracked the double-digit mark. Touchdown Tommy led the way with 25. Tyler Lockette, Tyreek Hill, Deebo Samuel and namesake Jonathan Taylor followed suit with 20 pointers as well. Randy Bullock punched in 12, including a game winner, and the Seahawks honored their fans, the “12th Man”, by dropping a dirty dozen too. Everything went right on Sunday. Looking ahead to this week, Jack is pitted up against the beleaguered Abie and well get first crack at seeing a Henry-less 69ers. Still, this is a battle of two of the three 6-win teams, so a lot is on the line.
#2. Thomas and Friends – Andrew Vignali (Previous Ranking: 3)
So who’s the big winner from the Thomas-Jack shenanigans? That’s right, ya boy, moving into this weeks top 2. I will not be apologizing. The fantasy Gods were kind to me in week 8, blessing me with an easy Sunday without any stress as I took care of business against the lowly Schlong’s by a 50-point margin. Working around Jalen Hurts worst performance of the season, the rest of the squad picked up their QBs slack. Darrell Henderson, DK Metcalf, and Chris Godwin all did as they do, finding the endzone and putting up huge weeks. Darrell Williams had a nice bounce back as my RB2, dropping 14 Monday night against the G-Men. Mike Gesicki, in his first start as a Friend, managed to meet his projection; and the Broncos D managed to block not one, but two Chris Blewitt field goal attempts. I guess you can say Chris really “blew it” against Denver, zing! The only real disappoint, yet again, has been my first-round pick Dalvin Cook, who couldn’t get anything going in front of a national television audience on Sunday night. Whatever. As the League’s #2 seed through 8 weeks, I’m not gonna get too fancy and do anything drastic (like start Alexander Mattison?).
#1. The Flandrew’s – Brent Gotkin (Previous Ranking: 1)
Make it three straight weeks a top the leaderboard for the biggest, baddest man in fantasy football. Brent was without his top gun Dak Prescott for a week, but it hardly mattered as he easily cast aside Kris in this week’s closest matchup, 145-128. Joe Burrow filled in for Dak with a respectable 20 pointer, and his Bungals counterpart Joe Mixon scored 2 touchdowns, both coming in a loss to Mike Fuckin’ White and the Greatest Show on Turf (pick him up if you haven’t done so yet folks). The three headed monster of AJ Brown-Amari Cooper-Cooper Kupp combined for a near 70 (which alone would’ve nearly beat Beans Corp). All of that was enough to overcome a handful of poor performances, namely Zeke and Kyle Pitts. At least he has Dallas Goeddert to throw in there if need be. Somehow the Bengals actually managed to score 1 point even though they couldn’t do anything to stop the Jets’s own Mike & Mike, White and LaFleur. Brent should have an easy one in week 9 as he faces the Martians and tries to extend Ryan’s 3-game losing streak. That said, don’t take this one too lightly Brent, as weirder things also seem to happen in The League.
Biggest Rise: Norse Horse/Thomas and Friends
Biggest Fall: Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0/Buffalo Bonez
That’s it folks. I promised I’d get it done in time for Thursday Night Football. Speaking of which, I’ll be tuning in to watch your New York Football Jets go into Indiana and take down the Colts, much similarly to a glorious January afternoon in 1969. Go Jets and as always…
Go League!
Must Be Sunday 