**Disclaimer: The bottom 5 spots of the power rankings were written before the MNF game under the assumption that the ESPN projections were accurate and that I would beat Kris. I’m too lazy to re-write what I already have and the result of our game has not changed the rankings whatsoever, so enjoy.**
U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi. There’s no better way to sum up the events that transpired in the League this past week than with such a simple 4 letter word. But let me try a different 4 letter word to describe my own performance… S-H-I-T. Or perhaps, L-U-C-K would work better. Anyway that you put it, I was disappointed with my team’s showing this week and it will be reflected in the rankings below. This week sucked and I hate that I now must heavily dissect it. It’s going to make me physically ill. Hopefully we all learn from it.
#10. Thomas and Friends – Andrew Vignali (Previous Ranking: 2)
Simply put, I must be better. I talk the talk, but I did not walk the walk. Yes, I beat Kris, whoopty. But I also suffered the worst showing of my accredited fantasy career and would’ve lost to anyone else in the League and take away no gratification from this win. It took until the final Eagles play from scrimmage in their loss to San Diego for my team to record its first touchdown of the day on Sunday. That’s got to be a record, but not one that you want to have. My RBs are a mess, either banged up or severely underperforming. Jalen Hurts is playing awful. I haven’t gotten anything out of the TE slot in about 4 weeks, and I have no answers for how to overcome any of that either. I’m not seeing the board clearly and that concerns me. Brent fleeced me in a trade for a RB for the second straight year. I had no contingency plan for being down DK and Godwin this week and I was fortunate to survive. Perhaps most embarrassingly, I simply forgot to put in Elijah Moore on Thursday night like I had planned to all day. It was a disaster of a week for Da Commish and we’ve all come to expect better. I promise I’m going to watch the film and think long and hard how I’m going to turn it around. Fuck.
#9. Norse Horse – Kris Blaine (Previous Ranking: 5)
Let’s just pretend Kris and I’s matchup this week never took place. I mean we had some classics over the years. 2019 week 13 where we both entered 11-1 and as the two highest scoring teams. The 2018 semi-final (all I have to say is Tommy Lee Lewis for y’all to know what I’m talking about). This one will be talked about for a long time, but in a much different regard. Jack, pull up the data, but I assume this is Kris’s worst performance of all time as well. Josh Allen got bettered by the other Josh Allen, turning the ball over 3x (should’ve been a fourth). Aaron Jones and Davante were victimized by Aaron Rodger’s vaccination status. CeeDee Lamb, Jarvis and Cole Beasley combined for 66 freaking yards on Sunday. Even Nick Folk missed his first kick in an eternity. Just awful all around, I can’t explain it.
#8. Beans Corp – Brendan Cahill (Previous Ranking: 9)
Well, things were not much better for Beanso on Sunday, but he’s still improving a spot based off the abomination that was my matchup with Kris. Beans lost to this week’s big winner Tommy Bonez and barely eclipsed the pathetic 80-point margin. Last week’s blockbuster trade with Max in the rearview, many of Beans Corp’s newest members continued to disappoint. At some point, one has to wonder whether there is a certain level of toxicity in the Beans Corp work culture. 31 from starting staple Justin Herbert and 18 more from new star RB Alvin Kamara was not enough to right the ship, as everyone else on Brendan’s team sucked majorly. Damien Harris and Adam Thielen both found the endzone and scored below 10 points, that’s hard to do. Kadarious Toney and Courtland Sutton both managed 1 catch a piece. How tf do you not have a better RB to start than Zach Moss? Yuck. It was ugly all around, a common theme you’ll find throughout these rankings. Fortunately, Mike Evans is coming back this week.
#7. South Jersey 4th & Schlong – Brad Peddito (Previous Ranking: 10)
I’m rewarding Brad by moving The League’s biggest loser so far up 3 spots. Maybe it’s more to do with the actions/performances of others, but at this point, Brad will take whatever moral victories he can get. Having to start Jordan Love in an emergency due to the Kyler Murray news, the Schlong’s put up a valiant effort and kept it within 5 against Max. One would think that a healthy Kyler would’ve gotten Brad that elusive second win. Nick Chubb was back and seemingly better than ever. The LA double feature of Keenan and Robert Woods both went for 100 yards. All Brad had to do was play either Aiyuk or DeVonta over Emmanuel Sanders and he would’ve pulled it out. That hurts. What also hurts is being victimized by your beloved Birds, Boston Scott and Eagles D combined to net only 1 point. All in all, a great effort Brad and I’m now a believer that you will pick up that second win and keep things interesting the loser’s bracket. We’re all rooting for you pal.
#6. The Martians – Ryan O’Connell (Previous Ranking: 8)
Let me start with this. I can’t explain it, there’s no reason for it, but Melvin Gordon is a good fantasy RB. I owe Marzy my deepest apologies for clowning him routinely both publicly and privately on that one. That said, Marzy’s tailspin has spun ever more – dropping his 4th straight with another stinker. It all goes back to that disastrous trade with Kris. Stefon Diggs kinda stinks now and Chris Carson has yet to suit up for the Martians. Not that Davante or CeeDee would’ve made up for it this week. With half his team out on bye, Ryan was faced with the dilemma of having to throw out his C squad against Brent. Well, Tannehill, Ty Johnson and Bryan Edwards weren’t close to cutting it, combining for only 25 (and one disastrous goose egg). Normal starters Christian Kirk and Mark Andrews were both meh. Surprisingly, Packers D on the road in Arrowhead played very well, much better than the 6-point margin they earned. They had no sacks or turnovers, so it was tough to score points, but they made it a living nightmare for Mahomes & Co. Anyway, Marzy should have his reinforcements coming back soon. Scary Terry and Gibson are off a bye and Russell Wilson had his nail removed. Will Ryan get back to the winning ways? Stay tuned.
#5. Jersey Jerry Seinfeld – Max Cohan (Previous Ranking: 7)
While I’m out here apologizing, let me offer my deepest apologies to Maxwell. I’ve clowned on thee for many years for squeaking by in low scoring affairs, and now I’m done it myself. While this isn’t quite 69-66, it was as close as we’ve seen since that dark Sunday. Now discussing this Sunday, things looked pretty good for our Southern brother. Although given quite the scare from Brad, Max was able to prevail in this week’s closest matchup earning his 5th win. Honestly, nobody really jumped off as having a huge week for Max, but rather it was the lack of dud performance that led the Seinfeld’s to victory. Kirk Cousins went for over 20, about average for a QB. Max played 3 RBs and all went for double digits. Travis Kelce returned to the Kelce of old and had 15 in his first game down South. 8 points from Raiders D is solid as well. I guess the WRs were a little disappointing, but still no egregiously bad weeks from anyone. Sum that all up, and you get a pretty average 111 points, but still enough to beat below average competition. Looking ahead, Rodgers is coming back, Swift and CMC will make a great RB room and Tim Patrick should earn a few starts in that WR room. I think Max may have turned things around here and has rightfully earned his #5 spot.
#4. HOCKEYPRO69 – Abie Leider (Previous Ranking: 4)
The first week without Derrick Henry was not kind to our man. Pitted against Jack in the biggest game of the week, and the season so far, the 69ers went out and laid an egg without their 1st rounder. In his absence, everyone else had to step up their games. Well, they failed miserably. Abie’s highest scorer was Michael Pittman, who went for a solid 15 points against my New York Football Jets, and Hunter Renfrow also scored a respectable 14 against those New York Football Giants. The reworked RB room performed admirably in defeat. The old man Adrian Peterson and the young buck Michael Carter each turned in equal 9.1-point performances. Can’t ask for much else from those two-fill ins. Again, Julio Jones is not that good anymore, it’s sad. Even worse was the 49ers D, who got ransacked by the Cardinals backups at home. Kyle Shanahan must not be a happy camper. Anyway, Abie has a huge game against Kris this week as he tries to get back to his winning ways.
#3. Buffalo Bonez – Thomas Antonello (Previous Ranking: 6)
Moving on up. The Buffalo’s were this week’s big winner, defeating the lowly Beans Corp and being the only time to crack the 120 point mark on Sunday (seriously, that’s how bad it was collectively). Well, it was enough to get vault Tommy all the way into 3rd for the first time this season. Call him Top Three Tommy from here on out. Leading the way for Bonez was Lamar Jackson, who dropped a 30 burger, and his sidekick Hollywood Brown, who went for 16. In that same game, Justin Jefferson caught a long touchdown and brought in 15 more. Najee, Tee Higgins and Darren Waller all had decent games as well. However, Tommy’s RB room took a hit. Austin Ekeler kind of stunk even though the Chargers beat the Eagles, and Chase Edmonds left the game early on Sunday and will miss a few weeks. Is that something to monitor going forward? Well, maybe not. Odell has escaped from purgatory, no wait that’s just Cleveland. Maybe he’ll turn things around and be a flex option going forward??
#2. Jonathan Taylor Thomas 2.0 – Jack Staub (Previous Ranking: 3)
After a big win against Abie in week 8, Jack has firmly planted himself as The League’s #1 seed as we enter the regular season’s second half. He even managed it despite not getting his usual explosion from the wide receiver slot, as Deebo Samuel, Ja’Marr Chase and Tyreek Hill all scored in the single digits. Fortunately for my roommate, it was not Tua-Time on Sunday (since he didn’t play) and that trade with Brent for Joey B paid off to the tune of 7.38 points. Hell, that’s better than 0. Yet again, the story for the JTT2.0’s this week was their namesake. JT pummeled my Jets for an even 33 dunkaroo’s, averaging nearly 10 yards a pop against Swiss cheese defense. The waiver wire find of the century, Cordarrelle Patterson continues to turn back the clock and launch a second career as a RB. If you’re scoring at home, he added 16 points and is now the RB7 in standard Half PPR scoring. Insane! Things may only get better from here on out for our man, as this week will mark the return of a Russell Wilson led Seahawks (Tyler Lockette stock wayyy up), George Kittle from the IR and Touchdown Tommy fresh of his bye. With a huge matchup with Brent looming, expect Jack to pull out all the cards to try and grab a stranglehold within The League.
#1. The Flandrew’s – Brent Gotkin (Previous Ranking: 1)
Excuse me for losing count, but how many weeks now has our man been ranked top dawg now? After the events of this week, Brent has vaulted all the way up to the #2 seed and earned himself a bye in the first round of the playoffs. Unfortunately, he still has a way to go before that day comes, but keep up the good work. The Flandrew’s had their lowest scoring output of the season (along with about 6 other teams) but it was still enough to cast aside #PlayoffMarz, 106-97. Leading the way for Brent was the Usual Suspects, Joe Mixon (2 tds) and Cooper Kupp (100 yards). Dak Prescott led two garbage time touchdowns against Denver to turn what otherwise would’ve been a nightmarish game into a somewhat decent performance (ala Jalen Hurts). Brent played the correct TE with Pitts outscoring Goeddert. Unfortunately, Zeke, Amari Cooper, DJ Moore and AJ Brown all had relative stinkers, and the Saints D managed only a single point against the Falcons. That last one is most shocking. Looking to next week, Brent’s team will be even scarier than normal, as James Conner will get a full workload as the Cardinals feature back (fuck) and perhaps even Antonio Brown resurfaces down in Tampa. I wish I had held onto James Conner for this sole reason. Anyway, a big primetime matchup with Jack awaits.
Biggest Rise: South Jersey 4th & Schlong/Buffalo Bonez
Biggest Fall: Thomas and Friends
We officially have reached the home stretch of the Fantasy regular season so buckle up. Everybody still has plenty to play for and week 10 may be the biggest week we’ve ever seen with two marquee matchups: Brent-Jack and Brendan-Brad. I certainly can’t wait to see how it all plays out. It all kicks off in 24 hours with Ravens-Dolphins, another shitty TNF. Thanks Goodell. I’ve got to go reassess my team and life’s choices so let me leave you with the two sweetest words in sports…
Go League. Shoutout Sebastian.
Must Be Sunday 