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Look Back At It: Fantasy Football Week 1 Review

Welcome back. I can’t believe I’m writing this right now. It feels so good. New website, same blog. Breaking down each match-up each week without missing a beat. This week we saw it all – love, hate, heart break, joy, pain, etc. Ladies and gentleman, for the first time of your 2020 season of The League, let’s get into it.

Me v. Andrew

Oh man. We’re starting HOT. The last two reigning champs. The two hosts of League Talk – the official podcast of The League. The scheduling gods truly blessed us with such a perfect week one match up. Imagine all of the content. This has gotta be a shootout, right? Match-up of the year? WRONG. Me by a zillion. In case you forgot, I’m nice with it.

What went right for me? Well aside from the fact that this is fantasy football and I’m me, Dalvin Cook certainly didn’t disappoint. “No Brendan, don’t take him even though he fell to you at the 8th pick he’s injury prone.” Yeah maybe but he got me 21.3 points. Dak produced 17.64 points which is eh from your starting QB, especially someone of his caliber. To be fair to Dak, a deeeeep pass to Gallup at the end of the game was stolen from him in a nonsense OPI call. That could’ve led to a game winning touchdown, which would’ve given me more fantasy points and happiness as a Cowboys fan. Whatever. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It doesn’t matter because I drafted Calvin Ridley and he was in my starting lineup. 9 receptions, 130 yards, 2 touchdowns. I’ll give you a second to do some math. Yep, that’s right, 29.4 points. Nice! Am I worried that no one else on my team did well? I probably should be but I’m riding pretty high to be honest. Nick Chubb is going to be an issue if he doesn’t get it together. Chris Herndon stinks but that’s what happens when Jets are on my team (ie, the Robbie Anderson debacle of 2019). Another year drafting Marlon Mack another year of a horrible injury. Poor guy’s career is in trouble.

Enough about me, let’s move onto the champ. Let’s just say he won’t be the champ come January unless some major changes are made. Did someone say rebuild? What went wrong? Well Carson Wentz is his quarterback. That’ll do it. Oh man does Carson Wentz stink. Two (2) interceptions. I love it. Miles Sanders, who Andrew sheepishly drafted, was ruled out so Todd Gurley got the start. This probably worked out better for Andrew since Gurly dropped a decently solid 12.7. Alan Robinson gave him 9.8 points which is the most Alan Robinson point total I’ve ever seen. We went into Monday Night Football with me leading by about 40. Andrew had Derrick Henry and AJ Brown going. I was confident, but those two, likely led by Henry, could definitely pull it off. I was pissed because the Titan’s game was on at 10:10 and ya boy’s gotta work, but I went to sleep at the start of the forth quarter with victory all but assured. Henry dropped 14.6, which is fine, but you need more from your first round pick. AJ Brown did nothing. Robert Woods did pretty well for Andrew much to my dismay against the Dallas football Cowboys. No matter. I am back. Beans 122.9 – Andrew 104.5

Brent v. Abie

Well, well, well this is an interesting match-up. These are two teams that both want to take the next step this year. Brent has been consistently solid but hasn’t been able to make a deep playoff run. Abie had a poor year last year. I don’t remember what he did in 2018, I know he didn’t win though ;). Unfortunately for Abie, he is picking up where he left off last year. Blowout alert!

Brent’s team looks good. He was on edge all Thursday and Sunday. Like, he was super pissed the whole day. I assumed he was losing but he won by 15,000 points. He managed to overcome a not so great zero points from Chicago D/ST (our first goose egg alert!) through standout performances from Zeke, Chris Carson and Julio Jones. Damn who let Brent get all these guys, those are some big fantasy names. Will Fuller had his annual good week and gave Brent a nice 15.2. Bench him now, Brent, it’s all downhill from here. Kennan Allen didn’t do what he should’ve done, but, hey, sometimes I don’t either, it’s all good.

I don’t mean to be hard on Abie. He didn’t do that bad, he wasn’t the lowest scoring team of the week or anything, he just so happened to play Brent who went nuts. Mahomes didn’t drop his usual 75, but getting 20.4 points from anyone won’t kill you. Mark Andrews is an absolute monster, giving Abie 20.3. Aaron Jones with a nice day. Abie wanted more from Drake. Cooper and Lockett were pretty average. The real debacle came from Brandin Cooks, Evan Engram and 49ers D/ST. Brandin Cooks just really stinks. No other way to put it. All I hear all off season long ever year is how great Evan Engram is but he just doesn’t preform. He is CANCELLED. San Francisco had an abysmal day. Just really ugly. He’ll bounce back, but not a great start for the East Side resident. Brent 142.1 – Abie 110.9

Lebron v. Alex

These two guys love to party. Just look at Alex’s lei. Only one of them was going to be popping champagne come Monday night though, or Tuesday if you didn’t want to stay up until 1:00 am watching the Broncos and Titans like me. Who sipped the bubbly? Just look at the color’s of the text of their names above their pictures! Alex, duh!

Last year Alex scored 100,000 points a week but his opponents always scored 100,001. It was tough. He had Lamar. He had it all. It just didn’t come together for the kid. Josh Jacobs said, “Alex, I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” He dropped 33.9. Almost 34! Mosert, who I was very skeptical of said, “Shut up, Brendan.” He dropped 23.1. Adam Thielen did well too but he’s boring so he didn’t say anything. Alex got 14.0 points from Kelce who he drafted in the second round. Alex had a shitty performance from OBJ, but, I mean, we all knew that was coming. I would be remiss to not mention Zane Gonzalez. I can’t tell you who had what kickers last year, but I do not Abie had Zane because I wrote about it every week. Partly because he was the best player on Abie’s team, mostly because he has a cool ass name. He gave Alex 6.0 points which isn’t good but he has a dope name so I’m sure Alex forgives him. He also won by a zillion.

Lebron talks a lot of trash. More than anyone I’ve ever seen. I respect it. It’s his thing. Maybe he’ll cool it after getting blown out this week. Probably not, though. He made the right move in starting Big Ben over Brady. Lebron has Christian McCaffreyy. Christian McCaffrey did Christian McCaffrey things. How did he lose? Because everyone else on his team is on his team. James Conner. Ooooffff. Mark Ingram? Now we know why everyone was high on Dobins. AJ Green? Not great. Tyler Higbee, who Lebron has called Tyler Higsby for the last two weeks, terrible. If I’m Lebron I am in panic mode. Alex 148.08 – Lebron 98.9

Kris v. Ryan

This was a fun one. Kris is consistently one of the best teams year after year. It must be in the water in the pond behind his house. Ryan has yet to put together a truly competitive team, but he is determined this year to breakout. Or at least to avoid whatever the yet to be determined punishment will be. I wasn’t too high on Ryan’s team after he drafted six wide receivers in a row but he scored more than I did this week so I guess I figured out my draft strategy next year. Scoring more than doesn’t mean Ryan won, though. That was all Kris. Let’s dive into it.

Kris enjoyed certified wackjob performances by Russell Wilson, DeAndre Hopkins and Devante Adams. Goddamn what a receiving core. My old friend David Johnson came back from the dead like it’s goddamn Night at Museum and gave Kris 18.4. He must hate me. Everyone else did really bad, so keep an eye on that. Barkley stinks, Cooper Kupp stinks, Hayden Hurst … you guessed it, stinks. Doesn’t matter when you get the performances you got out of your QB and receivers.

Ryan stayed in contention all week. There was a moment when I thought he had a chance on Monday night. Imagine if Ryan came back on Monday and beat Kris? Oh man. Maybe next time. Ryan benched Aaron Rodgers for Matt Ryan which cost him seven points, if it makes him feel better he still would’ve lost. Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Ryan’s first pick, had a really nice pro debut. JuJu decided to be good again after a stint on my team last year where stunk. DK Metcalf, who Ryan got clowned a bit for taking in the forth round, had a nice day too. Ryan’s biggest issue is going to be Joe Mixon. He stunk it up in week one and I just don’t see him becoming a factor. Marvin Jones Jr. didn’t do too hot and that was without Kenny Golladay playing, so that’s not a great sign. If Ryan started Hines over Mixon he would’ve won, but, to be fair, why would he have done that? No one likes a Tuesday night fantasy owner. Kris 144.4 – Ryan 132.7

Jack v. Max

This was as boring of a match-up as they come. That’s a good way to entice my readers to keep going, right? Both did fairly well. Max just happened to do 19 points better. It must be the googles.

Jack had a nice day from Josh Allen. Jeez that guy is good. Poor Max. The kid is a die hard Jet’s fan and had to watch them get torched by Allen, who is on his fantasy opponents team. It didn’t matter though because no one else on Jack’s team did much. Saints D/ST did well. Jonathon Taylor had a pretty good debut. Ekeler stinks. Michael Thomas stinks and is hurt. DJ Moore stinks. Kittle stinks. I’m sorry I don’t have more to say than that but they just didn’t do well. Here’s a take – Jack needs his team to do better.

Max, Max, Max. This guy lowkey always puts together solid teams. He won the Lamar sweepstakes and he did well. When you draft Lamar you expect some truly eye popping weeks and that wasn’t what we got this week, but I’m sure it’ll come. Kamara said, “what contract issues?” He had a day. Jamison Crowder had a really solid 21 point day. Jets receivers truly only do well when they’re not on my team. Max has some red flags – Gronk, Cam Akers and Mike Evans. Yes, yes, yes I know you took a statistics class in college and you’re thinking that one week is a small sample size and doesn’t mean anything. Cool you know numbers real good. I’m just saying if Max wants to keep his name in the green than he should be a bit worried. Sounds like a problem for Thursday night, though. For now, Max can go to sleep a champion. Max 130. 0 – Jack 111.9.

Best Team: Alex (148.08)

Worst Team: Lebron (98.9)

Best Player: Josh Jacobs (33.9)

Worst Player: Bears D/ST (0)

I’m just so happy we’re back. I really am. This is just so much fun. Setting lineups, scavenging the waiver wire, proposing trades, rejecting trades, not texting people back about trades, watching mostly terrible Thursday Night Football, being glued to the TV for 10 hours straight on Sundays,doing math on Monday’s, doing the pod, writing this. I love it all. I’m so happy that football is back I could come in last place this year and I wouldn’t complain. I’m just kidding. This is war.

Will Lebron crack triple digits? Is Ryan’s team legit? How will Jack respond to losing Michael Thomas? Can Abie get on track? Can Andrew rebound? Oh man this is going to be a crazy season. Week two begins in 22 hours and I can’t wait. Until next week, friends.

Draft Recap

Well boys, the big day finally came and went. I am still hungover. The booze flowed, wings were crushed, Kareem Hunt went wayyy earlier than he probably should have, and Lebron actually bit me. There were winners, there were losers and then there was one draft strategy that was so bizarre that Dave Gettleman couldn’t have picked a worse team even if he tried (I kid, he probably can). Anyway, as the defending champion, I’m sure the world waits with bated breath for my thoughts on what went down Saturday, so without further hesitation, let’s get into it!

First, let’s discuss the winners of this years draft. As always, the Usual Suspects came away looking like they’re gonna dominate this years regular season. Not only do me, Kris and Brent all look really strong in front of the mirror section at your local Retro Fitness, but our drafts look equally strong on paper. Sorry Kris, but I had to swoop in and steal Todd Gurley at the beginning of the 4th Round, but I’m sure you weren’t too upset because you still had a hard on after your first three picks (SaQuads, D-Hop and Davante Adams if you need a refresher). After all the shit talk that spewed from Brent’s mouth last year saying “Top tier this… top tier that, etc.”, it seems Brent came in on a mission to ensure his team reached its top tier potential. Zeke, Julio, Chris Carson, Melvin Gordon and Keenan Allen is as top a top 5 as you’ll find out there. Will Brent finish top tier? Probably not if we’re being honest, but I think he put himself in a great position to at least not finish last.

But just as there are obvious winners in every draft, there were some obvious losers, and I have to begin with my man Marzy. Great kid, love the guy, but he drafts like a Helen Keller driving a bus full of orphaned school children, in other words a complete disaster. I simply have no words for taking 6 straight WRs in rounds 3-8, especially after your top two picks have some heavy question marks at the RB position. We all know Joe Mixon stinks and CEH is an unproven rookie back in a pass heavy offense. Also he did the Taysom Hill thing again. Ryan, I hope you prove me wrong, but I’d start prepping for another shitty punishment (TBD).

The only other obvious loser in this draft, I hate to say, is my guy Lebron. I mean Chris Godwin over Davante Adams? Eh don’t love it. James Conner over Davante Adams, what are you stupid? Not only that, but a backup Kareem Hunt in the fourth round when there were other teams RB1’s still on the board was not a great move. Those three picks certainly raised some eyebrows and I hope don’t come back to bite you in the ass. Well actually I do since you proceeded to bite me on the neck later in the evening in the midst of a global pandemic.

I want to quickly touch upon the drafts of the remaining owners in The League that haven’t already been mentioned. Beans, Dalvin Cook’s injury history scares me (which is why I went Derrick Henry over him in round 1), but if he stays healthy, Dalvin and Nick Chubb offer a hell of a RB duo. Almost the exact same thing can be said about Abie’s top 2 picks, Kenyan Drake and Aaron Jones. Kenyan Drake’s relatively unpredictability (only having played a handful of games in Arizona’s Air Raid offense) and Aaron Jones TD dependency last year both raised some red flags, but they too can really offer a strong 1-2 RB duo. Alex, you know I’m a guy who loves RBs early and often, and for that reason I was not a fan of Travis Kelce with the first pick of the 2nd round, but I can understand why he would be an attractive pick. Hope it works out for ya. Everyone had already penciled in Jack taking Zeke with the 3rd overall pick, so the real first upset of the day came when he took the other OSU golden boy Mikey Thomas with his first round pick. Lots of other former Buckeyes found there way onto Jack’s team, so I hope he knows what he was doing.

Last, but certainly not least is the only minor celebrity among our ownership group, Maxwell Cohen. Max, a huge round of applause for joining us virtually for the big day and conducting a rather smooth draft from the Deep South (unlike the Lebron disaster from the year prior), so kudos to you. All I have to say is you took Sammy Watkins so you’re team automatically stinks, but Kamara and Tyreek Hill aren’t bad I guess.

Well, that about wraps it up. Excuse me while I scour the waiver wire looking for a new kicker cause fucking Matt Gay got sacked yesterday. Can’t wait to do what we do best and scream about how Ronald Jones is ruining our lives every 5 minutes come Sunday. Commish out.

Mock Szn – Part 1

This time last year all we did was mocks. Mock this, mock that, etc, etc, etc. It was always, “hey do you wanna mock?” and never “how are you doing?” I can’t stress enough how many mocks we did. 8:30 am Tallahassee 10 team PPR? Sounds good. Charlotte at 2:15 pm? See you there. Jacksonville 10:45 pm? I might actually fly to Jacksonville for it, you know I’m in. It was obscene and relationships with family and friends became strained . If I wasn’t mocking, the groupchat was blowing up my phone trying to set up a mock.

It’s wild to think about, but last year genuinely the biggest problem in the world was trying to get everyone into the same draft lobby. It was like the running of the bulls mixed with the storming of the Bastille mixed with the start of the Hunger Games when everyone runs to get the weapons in the middle and try not to get peaced. It was intense. Not only was it a battle just to find a lobby that corresponded with our size and scoring system, but we all needed to slot into our actual draft order. I am sweating just thinking about it. It was the best of times and it was the best of times.

This year just isn’t the same. We have done maybeeeeee five mocks with most of us in so far this summer. That just doesn’t do. I know there is some other stuff going on in the world right now, but what better escape than screaming at each other about getting into this lobby right now because the only space left is the fifth pick and you better get in right now because you have the fifth pick but oh shit your app froze oh god oh no oh wait it’s back is it still available okay we made it thank god.

I’m as guilty as anyone. My mock game has been seriously lacking. I know in my last post I said I’ve spent 15,000 doing mocks but really it’s only like 10,000. I like to grab the bull by the horns and fix my problems head on so it’s time to mock. From here on out will be my thought’s from start to finish of the mock process.

7:14 pm: Write in the groupchat urging anyone and everyone to mock.

7:18 pm: No answers or likes yet. Almost time to panic. Time for the individual texts. Who is the most likely to want to mock? Andrew, Brent or Lebron for sure. Andrew works until 3:00 am every night so he probably won’t be able to. Lebron is either going to respond right away or not at all. Sounds like Brent is my guy.

7:19: “Okay I’m down. Find a lobby.” – Brent Gotkin. Music to my ears. Lets go. He immediately suggests 7:30 pm pro ppr 10 team. Before I can see that I join 7:30 pm expert ppr 10 team. Oh no. Cuban missile crisis level issue. I frantically leave my lobby to find Brent’s. Since ESPN doesn’t name the mock lobby’s after cities anymore I frantically search for not only the word “pro” but also 10 team ppr in the 7:30 slate. What a ride. I found it and, praise be to god the 9th pick is one of the few slots available. Brent and I are both in. We made it. Now it’s war. Aka time to watch the sixth Harry Potter movie that’s been playing in the background until the lobby opens. Tom Riddle better stop asking about horcrux. Let me tell you Professor Slughorn, it isn’t hypothetical. Idiot

7:30: The draft room is open and I can tell without looking that Brent already began shit talking the 8 other, totally random, people in this. I figure I will recap the first few rounds before it becomes autopick madness and it’s too difficult to keep up. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, first one on autopick owes me $10,000.

1-1: McCaffery. Obviously.

1-2: Oh my god it’s been ten seconds already and no pick. Are they autopicking already? I hope this kid has venmo. Never mind we good he drafted Barkely

1-3: Aaandddd autopick. Pay up, asshole. Zeke.

1-4: My man Brent. Major foreshadowing here …. Kamara! Interesting. Very interesting. I’m not too sure about that one, Brent.

1-5: Michael Thomas. Rock solid.

1-6: Aaron Jones. Dude ruined my life in that infamous game against the Cowboys last year. Nice pick, asshole.

1-7: Dalvin Cook. He also ruined my life against the Cowboys last year and made me very sad. Nice pick.

1-8: Devante Adams. You never want a WR whose catching balls from someone in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Just can’t have that. Worst pick I’ve ever seen aside from Kamara at four.

1-9: Your boy! Hmmmm okay my options are Derrick Henry, Miles Sanders, Clyde Edward-Helaire, Hopkins or Julio Jones. Dicey, dicey, dicey. They say you can’t take a WR in the first round, aside from Michael Thomas. Lock me up, I make my own rules. Hopkins.

1-10. Clyde Edwards. Eh.

2-1: “Draaaakeeeee!?!?!?” – Soulja Boy. Seriously the worst pick I’ve ever seen.

2-2: Your boy – I think he has a super high chance of being a bust this year but I need a RB – Derrick Henry.

2-3: Josh Jacobs. To quote The Hangover, “some people just can’t handle Vegas.”

2-4: Miles Sanders. Stinks.

2-5: Julio Jones. Old reliable. Fine pick.

2-6: Kelce. I know he’s elite but a tight end going in the second round is wild but that’s the world we live in, folks.

2-7: Brent alert! Tyreek Hill. Not my go to but compared to who else was around it made sense.

2-8: Chubb. Fine pick I guess

2-9: Ekeler

2-10: Mixon

3-1: Kittle. About right.

3-2: There he goes – the newest part-owner of the Kansas City Royals.

3-3: Godwin. Solid pick. He should go a few picks higher.

3-4: Brent! Mike Evans. Solid pick too. I think I’m excited for Tampa Bay football?

3-5: Melvin Gordon. Eh.

3-6: JuJu. He caused fantasy owners a lot of pain last year but, hey, some people are into that.

3-7: Thielen. Decently good value there.

3-8: Golladay. I just can’t explain why anyone would every draft anyone on the Lions.

3-9: Me – You heard it here first, he is going to have an absolute monster year – Leonard Fournette.

3-10: DJ Moore. Some changes in Carolina, I’m excited for it.

4-1: Aaaannnndddd there he goes – Lamar Jackson

4-2: Me – Cooooooooooop. Go boys. Most potent offense in the league. How could I not? Who else am I gonna draft, Allen Robinson II?

4-3: Allen Robinson III

4-4: David Johnson. That is ….. interesting.

4-5: Courtland Sutton

4-6: Chris Carson. I’m high on him this year.

4-7: Brent – Le’Veon Bell. Ooooffff. Brent, I love you like a brother but ooffff.

4-8: Todd Gurley. Oh wow I didn’t realize I stepped into a time machine that took me to 1975.

4-9: OBJ. I mean that’s fine here, I guess. It’s wild how much he fell.

4-10: Cooper Kupp. Should go in the 15th round.

5-1: A.J Brown. Sounds okay.

5-2: Calvin Ridley. I love this man. Nice pick.

5-3: Robert Woods. Lock this guy up Robert Woods is not it.

5-4: Brent – Zach Ertz. It was about that time.

5-5: Tyler Lockett. Don’t let this man fall into the fifth round.

5-6: James Conner. Good value in the sixth round if he’s healthy.

5-7: Keenan Allen. Boring but fine.

5-8: Devin Singletary. He either scores 1 point or 25. There is no in between.

5-9: Me – T.Y. Hilton. I mean he’s not the most exciting guy in the world but he’s like pasta in the pantry. He’s not your first pick, but he’s always there if you need and you can’t really go wrong with it.

5-10: Jonathan Taylor. I loved watching him at Wisco.

Okay now the auto’s are flying so I will just go through my and Brent’s picks.

6-2: Me – Buffalo Bill himself. Stefon Diggs. I am EXCITED to watch Josh Allen sling him the rock.

6-7: Brent – Kareem Hunt. Brent has two (2) not so great guys on his team

7-4: Brent – David Montgomery. Oh brother.

7-9: Me – It’s that time – Russell Wilson

8-2: Me – Ronald Jones III. I mean, whatever.

8-7: Julian Edelman. Normal late 8th round pick.

9-4: Brent – Christian Kirk. Solid 9th round pick but my man De’Andre Hopkins is gonna be getting much more action.

9-9: Me – Hunter Henry. I mean, whatever. New QB slinging him the shits.

10- 2: Me – Crowder. Not a fantasy owner favorite last year, but we trust in Sammy D over here.

10-7: Brent – He still doesn’t have a QB. Is he gonna pick Brady? Welp, nope, Darius Slayton. He randomly had some big games last year. Interesting.

11-4: Brent – There it is. Aaron Rodgers. You can’t draft someone in the middle of a QB controversy. You just can’t. Jordan Love is breathing down his neck. Tick, tick, tick.

11-9: Me – Jerry Jeudy. We love a good rookie WR. Move over, Courtland.

12-2: Me- CeeDee. We really do love a good rookie WR.

12-7: Brent – I think he is on autopick now but Matthew Stafford?

If Brent is on auto I’m out.

That was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. Have you ever read the Art of War by San Tzu? Me neither, but I imagine he says something about learning your enemies moves or something. I certainly got some good intel on Brent. Am i brilliant military mind? Move over, Patton.

Wanna analyze? Great, me too.

My best pick: I’m amped about Fournette. I just feel like it’s all going to fall into place for him this year. “Proof? You don’t need proof when you have instinct.” – Joe Cabot.

My worst pick: Ronald Jones II. I just really don’t know what this guy is all about. What’s his deal? I can’t figure it out. He freaks me out.

Brent’s best pick: Mike Evans. I am protesting Kamara.

Brent’s worst pick: Bell. You are signing yourself up for several months of frustration and there are only so many holes the walls of the Vignali’s basement can take.

I wish I could end this by making a mock joke like – okay see you in Memphis 10 team PPR at 11:30 pm, but I can’t do that anymore since the world is going to shit. Rookie 10 team PPR just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Sad! Seriously though, find a lobby and text me.

We Back (Maybe)

As the old saying goes, “ah shit, here we go again.” Another year another season of The League. Hopefully. That depends on if people can wear masks or not. It ain’t looking too hot for college football, but, hey, but gotta keep the faith.

I’ve already done 15,000 hours worth of mock drafts so if this season is cancelled I need to know who to bill my wasted hours to. Time is money, baby.

In reality, it is absolutely imperative to stress that I fully understand if players opt out or if the season as a whole can’t happen. All personnel must work in a safe and healthy environment. My entertainment means shit. Everyone actually involved has their and their families to be worried about. Scrap it and try again next year if the NFL can’t ensure health. Now that I think about it, the NFL isn’t exactly known for going above and beyond to create a safe workplace, so let’s not hold our breath.

With that said, I’m waking up everyday and praying to all sorts of deities that the NFL works out. Picasso needed his paint, da Vinci needed his paint and all the other stuff he did and we need to watch tv and scream for 10 hours every Sunday. And for three hours every Thursday. And for three hours every Monday. It’s our art. It’s what we do.

Football comes with such a comforting routine. Let’s go through a normal Sunday during the fantasy season:

9:00 am: wake up with a smile on your face #mustbesunday

9:15 am: fifteen cups of coffee and a bagel and maybe some fruit if you’re trying to be healthy or whatever

9:30 am: shower and all that boring stuff – teeth brushing, deodorant, etc

10:00 am: Go to church and read the bible aka back to bed and read Matthew Berry’s latest takes

10:30 am: Crush a billion more coffees and look at your roster

10:31 am: panic

11:00 am: Oh my god Chris Carson isn’t playing? I’m dead cancel the season

11:01 am: nevermind we good

11:15 am: panic again because you misplayed bye weeks

11:30 am: Holy shit I hate David Montgomery

11:31 am: Fuck it, David Montgomery gets the start

11: 45 am: Listen to the Rocky Theme Song for the next hour and fifteen minutes

1:00 pm: Final roster check. Panic. Sandwich, or salad if you’re trying to be healthy or whatever. Head to your friend’s house, unless you have a cool house, then people go to your house

1:05 pm: Start sweating

1:15 pm: Open a bag of Tostitos

1:16 pm: Open another bag of Tostitos

1:45 pm: Worst first quarter of your life. Take out a second mortgage. Realize you don’t have a mortgage and look into buying a house so you can take out a first mortgage so you can then take out a second one

2:00 pm: Idiot, David Montgomery stinks

2:05 pm: David Montgomery receiving touch down. Smartest move in history

2:30 pm: Wings

2:32 pm: Agonize over the amount of wings you just ate

3:00 pm: Google if third mortgages exist

3:45 pm: Research the contact info for David Montgomery’s agent or PR rep so you know who to serve legal papers to because you’re suing him on the grounds of he stinks

4:00 pm: Explain that if Mason Crosby makes this field goal you WILL faint

6:30 pm: Wake up and drink some water

6:35 pm: Research if you can citizen arrest yourself for starting Robert Woods

7:00 pm: Check in with your loved ones

7:30 pm: Explain how the 4:00 pm slate is always bad for you and you make your bones during Sunday Night Football

8:15: Accept that not only today wasn’t your day, tonight isn’t gonna be your night

8:30: groan on the couch since your stomach hurts from the chips and wings and your heart hurts because your team must have done this to you on purpose

9:00 pm: 4.7 points by James White so far? He’s already almost halfway to his projection so it’s time to look into a waterfront

9:30 pm: Whip out the calculator and see how much you need from your one person playing tomorrow to win

9:31 pm: Look up if one player has ever scored 75 fantasy points in one week

10:00 pm: this game is over no point in watching

10:05 pm: Alright fine finish it up.

10:30 pm: Email Celino and Barnes to see if they do pro bono work for those suffering from a broken heart due to the fact their fantasy team stinks

11:00 pm: Go home and crawl into bed

12:00 am: Put your phone down. Remind yourself that staring won’t change the numbers you see

12:30 am: David Montgomery AND Robert Woods? IDIOT

Good life, right? Painful, but good. Things make sense that way. Probably not to most people, but if you know you know. Want to see life without football this fall?

9:00 am: wake up. Ugh.

9:01: Stare at the ceiling

7:00 pm: Go to sleep

It just won’t be the same. I don’t know about you but I’m not ready for all of the potential free time COVID may free up during football season. It could result in a new fulfilling hobby or something. Yuck.

Hopefully we can get things under control in the next four weeks so we don’t have to learn how to play gin rummy or go for walks. While the NFL absolutely needs to provide a safe environment for players, coaches and staff, we all need to do our part too. Above all, we need to respect the decisions players make and understand that we are not entitled to watching sports. If everything does work out, though, Celino and Barnes can be reached at (800) 888-8888.