This time last year all we did was mocks. Mock this, mock that, etc, etc, etc. It was always, “hey do you wanna mock?” and never “how are you doing?” I can’t stress enough how many mocks we did. 8:30 am Tallahassee 10 team PPR? Sounds good. Charlotte at 2:15 pm? See you there. Jacksonville 10:45 pm? I might actually fly to Jacksonville for it, you know I’m in. It was obscene and relationships with family and friends became strained . If I wasn’t mocking, the groupchat was blowing up my phone trying to set up a mock.
It’s wild to think about, but last year genuinely the biggest problem in the world was trying to get everyone into the same draft lobby. It was like the running of the bulls mixed with the storming of the Bastille mixed with the start of the Hunger Games when everyone runs to get the weapons in the middle and try not to get peaced. It was intense. Not only was it a battle just to find a lobby that corresponded with our size and scoring system, but we all needed to slot into our actual draft order. I am sweating just thinking about it. It was the best of times and it was the best of times.
This year just isn’t the same. We have done maybeeeeee five mocks with most of us in so far this summer. That just doesn’t do. I know there is some other stuff going on in the world right now, but what better escape than screaming at each other about getting into this lobby right now because the only space left is the fifth pick and you better get in right now because you have the fifth pick but oh shit your app froze oh god oh no oh wait it’s back is it still available okay we made it thank god.
I’m as guilty as anyone. My mock game has been seriously lacking. I know in my last post I said I’ve spent 15,000 doing mocks but really it’s only like 10,000. I like to grab the bull by the horns and fix my problems head on so it’s time to mock. From here on out will be my thought’s from start to finish of the mock process.
7:14 pm: Write in the groupchat urging anyone and everyone to mock.
7:18 pm: No answers or likes yet. Almost time to panic. Time for the individual texts. Who is the most likely to want to mock? Andrew, Brent or Lebron for sure. Andrew works until 3:00 am every night so he probably won’t be able to. Lebron is either going to respond right away or not at all. Sounds like Brent is my guy.
7:19: “Okay I’m down. Find a lobby.” – Brent Gotkin. Music to my ears. Lets go. He immediately suggests 7:30 pm pro ppr 10 team. Before I can see that I join 7:30 pm expert ppr 10 team. Oh no. Cuban missile crisis level issue. I frantically leave my lobby to find Brent’s. Since ESPN doesn’t name the mock lobby’s after cities anymore I frantically search for not only the word “pro” but also 10 team ppr in the 7:30 slate. What a ride. I found it and, praise be to god the 9th pick is one of the few slots available. Brent and I are both in. We made it. Now it’s war. Aka time to watch the sixth Harry Potter movie that’s been playing in the background until the lobby opens. Tom Riddle better stop asking about horcrux. Let me tell you Professor Slughorn, it isn’t hypothetical. Idiot
7:30: The draft room is open and I can tell without looking that Brent already began shit talking the 8 other, totally random, people in this. I figure I will recap the first few rounds before it becomes autopick madness and it’s too difficult to keep up. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, first one on autopick owes me $10,000.
1-1: McCaffery. Obviously.
1-2: Oh my god it’s been ten seconds already and no pick. Are they autopicking already? I hope this kid has venmo. Never mind we good he drafted Barkely
1-3: Aaandddd autopick. Pay up, asshole. Zeke.
1-4: My man Brent. Major foreshadowing here …. Kamara! Interesting. Very interesting. I’m not too sure about that one, Brent.
1-5: Michael Thomas. Rock solid.
1-6: Aaron Jones. Dude ruined my life in that infamous game against the Cowboys last year. Nice pick, asshole.
1-7: Dalvin Cook. He also ruined my life against the Cowboys last year and made me very sad. Nice pick.
1-8: Devante Adams. You never want a WR whose catching balls from someone in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Just can’t have that. Worst pick I’ve ever seen aside from Kamara at four.
1-9: Your boy! Hmmmm okay my options are Derrick Henry, Miles Sanders, Clyde Edward-Helaire, Hopkins or Julio Jones. Dicey, dicey, dicey. They say you can’t take a WR in the first round, aside from Michael Thomas. Lock me up, I make my own rules. Hopkins.
1-10. Clyde Edwards. Eh.
2-1: “Draaaakeeeee!?!?!?” – Soulja Boy. Seriously the worst pick I’ve ever seen.
2-2: Your boy – I think he has a super high chance of being a bust this year but I need a RB – Derrick Henry.
2-3: Josh Jacobs. To quote The Hangover, “some people just can’t handle Vegas.”
2-4: Miles Sanders. Stinks.
2-5: Julio Jones. Old reliable. Fine pick.
2-6: Kelce. I know he’s elite but a tight end going in the second round is wild but that’s the world we live in, folks.
2-7: Brent alert! Tyreek Hill. Not my go to but compared to who else was around it made sense.
2-8: Chubb. Fine pick I guess
2-9: Ekeler
2-10: Mixon
3-1: Kittle. About right.
3-2: There he goes – the newest part-owner of the Kansas City Royals.
3-3: Godwin. Solid pick. He should go a few picks higher.
3-4: Brent! Mike Evans. Solid pick too. I think I’m excited for Tampa Bay football?
3-5: Melvin Gordon. Eh.
3-6: JuJu. He caused fantasy owners a lot of pain last year but, hey, some people are into that.
3-7: Thielen. Decently good value there.
3-8: Golladay. I just can’t explain why anyone would every draft anyone on the Lions.
3-9: Me – You heard it here first, he is going to have an absolute monster year – Leonard Fournette.
3-10: DJ Moore. Some changes in Carolina, I’m excited for it.
4-1: Aaaannnndddd there he goes – Lamar Jackson
4-2: Me – Cooooooooooop. Go boys. Most potent offense in the league. How could I not? Who else am I gonna draft, Allen Robinson II?
4-3: Allen Robinson III
4-4: David Johnson. That is ….. interesting.
4-5: Courtland Sutton
4-6: Chris Carson. I’m high on him this year.
4-7: Brent – Le’Veon Bell. Ooooffff. Brent, I love you like a brother but ooffff.
4-8: Todd Gurley. Oh wow I didn’t realize I stepped into a time machine that took me to 1975.
4-9: OBJ. I mean that’s fine here, I guess. It’s wild how much he fell.
4-10: Cooper Kupp. Should go in the 15th round.
5-1: A.J Brown. Sounds okay.
5-2: Calvin Ridley. I love this man. Nice pick.
5-3: Robert Woods. Lock this guy up Robert Woods is not it.
5-4: Brent – Zach Ertz. It was about that time.
5-5: Tyler Lockett. Don’t let this man fall into the fifth round.
5-6: James Conner. Good value in the sixth round if he’s healthy.
5-7: Keenan Allen. Boring but fine.
5-8: Devin Singletary. He either scores 1 point or 25. There is no in between.
5-9: Me – T.Y. Hilton. I mean he’s not the most exciting guy in the world but he’s like pasta in the pantry. He’s not your first pick, but he’s always there if you need and you can’t really go wrong with it.
5-10: Jonathan Taylor. I loved watching him at Wisco.
Okay now the auto’s are flying so I will just go through my and Brent’s picks.
6-2: Me – Buffalo Bill himself. Stefon Diggs. I am EXCITED to watch Josh Allen sling him the rock.
6-7: Brent – Kareem Hunt. Brent has two (2) not so great guys on his team
7-4: Brent – David Montgomery. Oh brother.
7-9: Me – It’s that time – Russell Wilson
8-2: Me – Ronald Jones III. I mean, whatever.
8-7: Julian Edelman. Normal late 8th round pick.
9-4: Brent – Christian Kirk. Solid 9th round pick but my man De’Andre Hopkins is gonna be getting much more action.
9-9: Me – Hunter Henry. I mean, whatever. New QB slinging him the shits.
10- 2: Me – Crowder. Not a fantasy owner favorite last year, but we trust in Sammy D over here.
10-7: Brent – He still doesn’t have a QB. Is he gonna pick Brady? Welp, nope, Darius Slayton. He randomly had some big games last year. Interesting.
11-4: Brent – There it is. Aaron Rodgers. You can’t draft someone in the middle of a QB controversy. You just can’t. Jordan Love is breathing down his neck. Tick, tick, tick.
11-9: Me – Jerry Jeudy. We love a good rookie WR. Move over, Courtland.
12-2: Me- CeeDee. We really do love a good rookie WR.
12-7: Brent – I think he is on autopick now but Matthew Stafford?
If Brent is on auto I’m out.
That was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. Have you ever read the Art of War by San Tzu? Me neither, but I imagine he says something about learning your enemies moves or something. I certainly got some good intel on Brent. Am i brilliant military mind? Move over, Patton.
Wanna analyze? Great, me too.
My best pick: I’m amped about Fournette. I just feel like it’s all going to fall into place for him this year. “Proof? You don’t need proof when you have instinct.” – Joe Cabot.
My worst pick: Ronald Jones II. I just really don’t know what this guy is all about. What’s his deal? I can’t figure it out. He freaks me out.
Brent’s best pick: Mike Evans. I am protesting Kamara.
Brent’s worst pick: Bell. You are signing yourself up for several months of frustration and there are only so many holes the walls of the Vignali’s basement can take.
I wish I could end this by making a mock joke like – okay see you in Memphis 10 team PPR at 11:30 pm, but I can’t do that anymore since the world is going to shit. Rookie 10 team PPR just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Sad! Seriously though, find a lobby and text me.
Must Be Sunday 