Author: maxattack96

Return of the Max

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – “Alexa, play some Mark Morrison.”

Week 1 was pretty brutal for the Buck You squad. With “stars” DeVonta Smith, Kenneth Walker and Ja’Marr Chase combining for a grand total of 10.6 points, it’s not hard to understand why we finished with an embarrassing 79.48 points. It should have been the worst score of the week, but Brad the Dad saved me there (62.42).

Knowing that Owen (0-1) was contagious, I had to make some drastic changes. What, you may ask, were said changes? Staring Emeka Egbuka over Kenneth Walker. Did it work? No. Did I still win? Yes.

Thankfully, the rest of my team decided they wanted to keep my ass out of a Waffle House – putting up a league-best 151.22.

I want to personally thank Jonathan Taylor and Ja’Marr Chase, who each scored 28.5+ points.

Do I still have real concerns about my team? Yes. Am I willing to let Brent fleece me to fix them? Not yet.

For now, it’s on to Week 3. Get that ass ready, Abie.

Immediate Regret

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – It doesn’t even matter what happens tomorrow. I know I have blown it.

Week 1 of the NFL season is already off to a strange start. I did not have Hawk Tuah on my bingo card for opening night, did you? But it wasn’t the spit that rubbed me the wrong way on Thursday night.

Jalen Hurts likes to run the ball (duh) but he can also let it rip. For some strange reason, he did not look at his two excellent targets (Devonta Smith and AJ Brown).

When I originally set my lineup, I had Smith sitting on my bench. It felt right at the time, as it does in hindsight. For some reason, I opted to throw him back in the fight earlier this week and he rewarded me with 3.1 points.

I am willing to bet that everyone on my bench, minus Quinshon Judkins, outscores him this week. This might not be such a big deal another week. Let’s say I was playing Lebron or even Ryan, I would just shrug this off. But I’m not. I have Kris.

Now, because of yet another poor decision in my life, it’s looking like Owen will be making a return.

Please note, all complaints may be void if Sunday’s outcomes are favorable.

Panic Time: Week 3 & 4 Edition

Huntsville, Ala (MLC) — Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, they do.

Here we are, entering Week 5 of the fantasy season. We have zero (0) undefeated teams and only one (1) winless team. That loveable loser would be me.

I truly thought I had drafted a championship team (Ron Howard voice: “He had not.”) But after four brutal weeks, full of confusing performances from Chris Olvae, Tyreek Hill and Evan Engram, I had decided that it’s time to move on — from Hill that is.

After weeks of aggressively pursuing a trade with everyone and anyone, I finally found a partner. In what I expect will be the most impactful move of the year, I added Jahmyr Gibbs to the team.

With the loss of a Chiefs’ RB — who does not deserve to be named — It became obvious that Jerome Ford would not work as my RB1. Now, I believe, I have one.

As a result of this massive move — which will not be officially processed until tonight — I have rebranded.

Seacrest out.

Panic Time: Week 2 edition

Huntsville, Ala (MC) — Here we are again.

Another season with another brutal start for the Cohan Crew. It’s safe to say the team I drafted has not lived up to the cost of flying home for the draft.

With another 110+ point performance resulting in a loss, I am lost. Only two members of the league are 0-2 and one of them has a few championship rings.

And after an injury ridden week, the waiver wire was HOT this week. The cuck of the waiver wire goes to Tommy Bones, who snagged Carson Steele for $39. I really could have used him, dick.

Man, I really wish we had a pod to talk about all the other things going on. Oh well.

Panic Time: Week 1 edition

Huntsville, Ala (MC) — Nothing hits harder than the fear of being stuck with a bad fantasy team for an entire season.

During the draft process, owners spend minutes and sometimes even hours researching which Arizona Cardinals’ running back will lead them to the promised land. Unfortunately, James Conner was off the board before most even had the chance to consider selecting him. That’s the nature of the beast in this game we call life.

Now let’s get into the stuff that everyone cares about — my team.

I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting up with my good pal Jack Staub in Week 1. Records will show that I have historically dominated Jack, run the numbers. But Staub’s squad is actually halfway decent this season and the majority of his team beat their projections to turn in a 135-point week. Keep in mind, Jack also had Jayden Reed and his 31-point week on his bench.

On my side of the equation, I can’t be too upset. My team found a way to put up 123 points, despite absolute stinkers from Javonte Williams (2.8), Chris Olave (2.1) and Evan Engram (1.0). That being said, I have no idea how the Saints put up 47 points without Olave even scoring once. It just doesn’t make sense.

But that was then and this is now. Week 2 is upon us and the great bidding war of the Ravens’ TE2 is over. A wild $32 bid was enough to snag Isaiah Likely for Lebron. Keep in mind Boobs, that is nearly 1/3 of your allotment for the season used in one bid for Baltimore’s second tight end.

Clearly, Lebron was not the only one in panic mode. Five members of the league submitted offers for Likely, with Ryan, Brent and Abie all submitting double figure offers for the same candidate. Surely this won’t be the last bidding war of the fantasy season.

Lastly, I don’t know how I am expected to make it through the rest of my week knowing that I haven’t heard a second of League Talk. I know that things will be different with the departure of Beans (RIP) but I still need that chatter in my life on my long drives to and from Auburn and Tuscaloosa. Please, for the love of god, get on the mic.

League Talk 2023: Week 10 & 11 Review

There are a few things we need to address right off the top.

First of all, we all know this is a 2-for-1 special. I was busy last week celebrating my birthday and didn’t care to jot down notes when listening to the Week 10 episode. So here’s my brief recap: Jack is back and Meghan does the intro now. Cool. Certified Fresh: 69% 🍅.

Now let’s get into the important things — Andrew’s hatred for The 1975 and his love (???) for Nicolette? His words, not mine.

In one of the stranger episodes in recent memory, Vigs went off the rails when the topic of The 1975’s concert at Madison Square Garden came up. The pod was recorded early as a result of his attendance at the event, a musical group that he said he was not excited to see and only knew one song, “Sex.”

As if that weren’t enough, he then tried to cover his tracks when Beans and Bones pushed for more information, saying that he “loves” Nicolette. Is this breaking news? Has this been said before? We may never know, but it’s out there now.

Things took an even more interesting turn when “Hot ass peppers” or “Hot, ass peppers” entered the conversation. Either way you read it, it’s a problem. The latter is significantly worse, in my opinion.

And one last thing. Do we need to sign Beans up for The Voice? He really showed off the pipes with his rendition of Halsey’s “Bad at Love.”

Now back to football. There was a lot of disrespect put on the name of Tommy Devito. My former Syracuse brother may be a bad quarterback, but he deserves your respect. He also has the same name as one of the original Four Seasons, so that’s kinda cool.

Okay, finally the good stuff.

Brad vs. Ryan: 2 for Brad, 1 for Ryan

Vigs: Brad (128-114)

Beans: Brad by six (team was updated live!)

Bones: Ryan (114-112)

Brent vs. Abie: 2 for Brent, 1 for Abie

Vigs: Brent (135-108)

Beans: Brent by 10,000 (N/A)

Bones: Abie (137-131)

Bones vs. Jack:

Vigs: Jack (119-114)

Beans: Bones (133-112)

Bones: “Me” (124-114)

Vigs vs. Max: All on Vigs

Vigs: Vigs (131-119)

Beans: Vigs (N/A)

Bones: Vigs (122-117)

Beans vs. Kris: 2 on Beans, 1 on Kris

Bones: Kris (121-118)

Vigs: Beans (117-111)

Beans: “Me” (123-121.6)

The boys forgot to update the power rankings this week.

This episode, running one hour and 25 minutes, is among the season’s best entries. For that, it is ABSOLUTELY Certified Fresh: 94% 🍅.

League Talk 2023: Week 9 Review

“The light has gone out of my life,” – Theodore Roosevelt.

Mr. Prez went dark on us back in that sad day in 1884. But here in early November of 2023, I feel him.

In the midst of contacting Louis C.K. and Chris Rock for advice on long standup sets, I decided to take some time to listen to the BV Boys (Beans and Vigs) talk shop.

Let’s be honest, this league is all based on luck and if you think otherwise, you’re wrong. Jack, run the numbers.

Speaking of, I don’t believe Jack has run ANY numbers this season. What gives? Still, Jack, run the numbers.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

No Zook or Bones this week (or food delivery), no problem. Vigs found a way to misquote Forrest Gump, a brutal start to the action, but the team we know and love recovered to bring us another commute killer.

Let’s get down to the meat and potatoes. Predictions:

Brent vs. Jack:

Beans and Vigs: Brent by a billion

Max vs. Kris:

Beans: Kris

Vigs: Obviously Kris (not by a billion)

Ryan vs. Thomas

Beans: Thomas

Vigs: Thomas because of Diontae Johnson

Vigs vs. Abie

Beans: Vigs by 40, Abie’s team leaves “bad taste” in his mouth 😱

Vigs: Taking himself because he “has to” win this game

Beans vs. Brad

Beans: “I think I’m gonna win” – has Breece Hall and Ja’Marr Chase

Vigs: Heart saying Brad, brain saying Beans — ended up taking Beans

Now let’s take a look at the power rankings:

Beans: 1. Brent 2. Thomas 3. Kris 4. Beans 5. Brad 6. Jack 7. Ryan 8. Vigs 9. Abie 10. Max

Vigs: 1. Brent 2. Kris 3. Thomas. 4. Beans 5. Vigs 6. Brad 7. Abie 8. Ryan 9. Jack 10. Max

The wins have to count for something, right?

This episode was a one-hour and 13-minute roast of my life. It was fair and balanced. It is certified fresh, 73% 🍅.

League Talk: 2023 – Week 8 Review

Is this the fall of Rome? Perhaps not, but without two-thirds of BVB (Beans, Vigs, Bones) the show must go on. And it did.

Many wondered if Bones and Zook had the “right stuff” to handle business alone. As the Crimson Tide football team says, “Let a naysayer know.” The rest of the league is now on notice.

That being said, this week’s review will be brief since I’m at Auburn and won’t have time to get into the nitty-gritty. It’s also coming a few days late. As a result, I’m giving my review a preemptive 66%🍅.

Bones and Zook got the job done like pros, and in record time — just 52 minutes this week.

Here’s what we know: Brent, Kris and Bones are in a league of their own right now. It would take a miracle for any other team to win the chip and that’s just the way it is.

With my recent bad trade (the jury is still out on whether it’s actually a bad trade) I am 2-5 and beginning to draft a 10-minute standup set.

That being said, this week’s pod was fresh and lively. Plus we got the great news that Zook will not need surgery after all. Put that all together and we have one of the best shows of the season. You bet it’s certified fresh, 90% 🎃.

League Talk: 2023 – Week 7 Review

The future is female and League Talk is finally on board.

For the first time in the history of the show, a female voice was heard on the program. The legendary Arielle Pistiner, a long-time friend and Brent’s first girlfriend, called in to discuss the No. 1 topic in all of football: Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.

Though that relationship has little to no impact on the fantasy season, it was nice to see that the BVB crew (Beans, Vigs, Bones) still has some tricks up their sleeves. Despite some technical issues, the very special guest may be just what the program needs to finally get over that sponsorship hump.

I also hopped on the pod, tough act to follow. My time was short but sweet, explaining the trade that I pray will lead me to the promised land. We’ll check back on that in a few weeks.

But even before the call, there was a moment that most listeners probably questioned. Vigs had something he wanted to say but didn’t. He wrote his thoughts down but we never got to hear them. What did Vigs’ message say? We may never know (please text me, I want to know).

As he has seemed to do every week, Vigs put on another pronunciation clinic. This week’s was a doozy, as he couldn’t get “Acuña” out correctly. First of all, it’s Uh-koon-yuh, not Hakuna Matata. Secondly, how do you not know this? Not only is his brother Ronald the MVP but he’s also been bashing the Mets for years now.

To make matters worse, he also had trouble with the word pronounciate in a variety of different ways I don’t care to write out phonetically.

Now let’s get to the only important part of the show — the picks.

Ryan vs. Jack
All on Ryan
-Beans: Ryan (103-88)
-Vigs: Ryan (N/A)
-Bones: Ryan (96-82)

Brad vs. Abie
All on Abie
-Beans: Abie (112-102)
-Vigs: Abie (N/A)
-Bones: Abie (117-106)

Kris vs. Vigs
Two on Kris, one on Vigs
-Beans: Kris (117-101)
-Vigs: Vigs (121-114)
-Bones: Kris (127-101)

Bones vs. Max
All on Bones
-Beans: Bones (123-99.9)
-Vigs: Bones (N/A)
-Bones: Bones (122-110)

Beans vs. Brent
All on Brent
-Beans: Brent (145-102)
-Vigs: Beans and then he hit the uno reverse so Brent (“Fuck Brent” – Vigs)
-Bones: Brent (132-98)

The guys also did a brief Dudes vs. Dogs segment but it wasn’t worth breaking down.

At one hour and 26 minutes, this episode felt a bit too long. Somehow, even at that length, we had zero (0) food delivery interruptions. With the first-ever female guest, and no Ryan, the show found a way to cross the finish line but not in a position to place. This episode is still certified fresh: 69% 🍅.

League Talk: 2023 – Week 6 Review

“R.I.P. grandpa, you would have loved Sapphires.”

Any episode with a line as powerful as that MUST be a winner.

De’Von Achane is a two-time loser this week. In addition to hitting the IR with a knee injury, Vigs still can’t get his (or Jared Policar’s) name right.

We can only hope this tweet will make a difference going forward.

The original duo handled business this week, with Zook (Zuke?) and Tommy Bones off the mic. Tommy still contributed from the sky, sending texts that Beans read for him.

I don’t know if we need to have Uber Eats or DoorDash start paying the show but the food delivery interruptions found their way into yet another episode. How was Chipotle?

This week also marked the return of the power rankings. Here’s how things stack up in the minds of Beans and Vigs:

  1. Brent
  2. Kris
  3. Thomas
  4. Brad
  5. Beans
  6. Max
  7. Abie
  8. Vigs
  9. Ryan
  10. Jack

“Write about this.” Vigs, Wednesday, the 25th is marked on my calendar. See you in Bama.

If you didn’t stay until the end of the pod, you missed some wild discussion about Taylor Swift being a HUGE League Talk fan and her inviting the show to record live on the European leg of the Eras Tour. Phenomenal content.

Week 6’s entry clocks in at just under an hour and 12 minutes. In my humble opinion, this is one of the season’s best episodes. No doubt, it’s certified fresh. 96% 🍅.