Author: maxattack96

Matchup 1: The Reason We Have Rules vs. Abella DangerRuss

Rules 81.7, Abella 116.3

Rules started Cam Skattebo and Juwan Johnson, who combined for 0.0 points. That’s two roster spots occupied by the fantasy equivalent of cardboard cutouts. Loveland (15.5) and RJ Harvey (13.1) sat on the bench for 28.6 points. Fixing both would still have lost by 6.0, so this isn’t a lineup mistake, it’s a roster-wide condition. Last week the bench gave him a 25.2 from Brian Robinson Jr. This week Robinson gave 2.0, which is the universe politely informing you that you were never a genius.

Abella lost the McMillan/Kyren duo that scored 69.9 last week. They managed 19.8 this week, and he still won by 34.6, because his kicker (17.0) was his second-best player. Chase McLaughlin outscored George Kittle. Congrats on a roster that wins on the strength of a guy who kicks things. Rules lost to that.

Matchup 2: THE Notorious B.H.G. vs. South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong

B.H.G. 143.0, South Jersey 75.38

B.H.G.’s bench (77.18) outscored South Jersey’s entire starting lineup (75.38). Think about that. The guys he wasn’tplaying beat the guys South Jersey was playing. He’s also hoarding three quarterbacks and starting one, which is either strategy or a hostage situation. Tyreek Hill is still a free agent on his bench, still scoring 0.0. It’s like keeping a houseplant that died but being too sentimental to throw it out.

South Jersey, I’m trying to be supportive. Your Texans defense won 34-31 and scored negative 2.0. That takes a special kind of management. You started Travis Kelce (7.3) while Kyle Pitts dropped 20.5 on your bench, and you finally started Emanuel Wilson after last week’s 25.5 bench game, so of course he scored 5.2. You chase last week’s points like a dog chasing a car, with the same plan for what happens if you catch it. Your bench had Jeremiyah Love, Rashee Rice, Jalen Hurts, and Josh Jacobs all at 0.0. That’s not depth, that’s a hospital wing. Poor Jaxon Smith-Njigba (19.4) is carrying a group project alone.

Matchup 3: THE Norse Horse vs. Gay for Tay

Norse Horse 107.1, Gay for Tay 109.1

Norse Horse lost by 2.0, and he’s the only one to blame. Last week he benched Drake Maye (26.16) for Tyler Shough (15.94). This week he corrected course and started Maye (23.8), and Shough immediately went off for 26.96 on his bench. Starting Shough instead wins by 1.16. This man has now been punished for both options. He’s the Charlie Brown of fantasy football and the football is a quarterback. Germie Bernard (20.2) also sat there, Rome Odunze stunk up the RB/WR spot with 5.4, and Tyler Loop and Rams D combined for 5.0. Derrick Henry gave you 4.5, which is concerning for Derrick Henry.

Gay for Tay won this by accident. Brandon Aubrey (1.0) and Denzel Boston (2.0) were pure dead weight, and Matthew Stafford (16.88) and DeMario Douglas (16.1) were on his bench. Tre Tucker bailed him out with 24.2 on an 8.6 projection, and Nico Collins fell off a cliff, from 27.3 last week to 9.4. A 2-point win in which you left 33 bench points unused is not a victory, it’s a clerical oversight in your favor.

Matchup 4: Let A Naber Know vs. Buffalo Bonez

Let A Naber Know 146.46, Buffalo Bonez 78.28

Naber had the top score of the week behind Christian McCaffrey (26.2), Malik Nabers (22.5), and Isaiah Likely (20.9). Even Emeka Egbuka woke up, jumping from 2.3 to 14.3. But let’s be honest, you could’ve started your bench and probably still won, because Buffalo Bonez showed up to this game like he was coming to a funeral.

Bijan Robinson was projected for 21.3 and scored 6.3. Najee Harris started at RB for 0.2 points as a free agent with no opponent, which means Buffalo Bonez played a guy who doesn’t have a team and still got something. Joe Burrow and Chase Brown were both on bye and still in the lineup picture, because apparently checking bye weeks is optional. Kyle Monangai went from 27.5 on the bench to 0.0 with a Q next to his name. Last week I told you to lie down. This week I’m telling you to stay down. You lost by 68.18, and the loss was so lopsided it should require paperwork.

Matchup 5: WR vs. The Kirkinator

WR 103.02, The Kirkinator 92.52

WR’s top scorer was a running back (Bhayshul Tuten, 22.7). The team called WR has been carried by a running back and a defense. CeeDee Lamb went from 32.8 to 11.5, Tyler Higbee gave 2.2 at TE, and Tyler Allgeier put up 5.3 at FLEX while DeVonta Smith (17.0) watched from the bench. You won by 10.5 with a lineup that looks like it was assembled in the dark. The identity crisis continues, but at least it’s a winning identity crisis.

The Kirkinator started Kirk Cousins (18.52) while Trevor Lawrence, the namesake of the team’s previous name, scored 27.34 on the bench, the highest score on any roster this week. You benched your own namesake for a guy who plays for the Raiders. Swap them and the gap is 1.68. Play Dalton Kincaid (7.3) over Harold Fannin Jr. (1.4) as well and you win. MarShawn Lloyd (1.0), Fannin (1.4), Pat Freiermuth (2.1), and Terry McLaurin (3.2) combined for 7.7 points, which is the output of one decent kicker. And then there’s Saquon, a second-round pick, sitting on your bench with a Q and a 0.0. Last week he scored 1.5. At this rate he’ll be negative by Week 8, and he’ll still be in your top five picks, because you’ll find a way.

Awards Ceremony

Biggest Blowout: Let A Naber Know over Buffalo Bonez by 68.18. B.H.G. over South Jersey by 67.62 was just 0.56 short of the crown. South Jersey, even your humiliation is second place.

Closest Game: Gay for Tay over Norse Horse by 2.0. One side stumbled into it, and the other tripped on the way out.

Best Bench Regret: The Kirkinator, for Trevor Lawrence’s league-high 27.34 on the pine. Norse Horse is runner-up for the Maye/Shough tragedy, which gets its own plaque.

Hero of the Week: Kenneth Walker III, 26.9, the best score by any starter. He had to carry B.H.G., who didn’t need him.

Villain of the Week: Texans D/ST, for scoring -2.0 in a win. Runner-up: Najee Harris, for 0.2 points and no apparent employer.

See you next week for more bench regrets, more dead weight, and Buffalo Bonez staying face-down.

Matchup 1: Let A Naber Know 138.46 vs. South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong 143.1

Winner: South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong by 4.64

South Jersey won because Bucky Irving dropped 30.5, Jason Myers scored 23.0 as a kicker, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba added 20.3. The rest of the lineup had some real stinkers: Jeremiyah Love put up 2.2, Mark Andrews 2.8, and Luther Burden 6.9. Kyle Pitts sat on the bench with 12.7 while Andrews stunk up the TE slot.

Let A Naber Know lost by 4.64 points, and Emeka Egbuka scored 14.2 on their bench while Jaylen Waddle sat in the lineup with 3.8. That swap alone wins them the game, 148.86 to 143.1. Add a 1.0 from the Steelers D and a 4.4 from Omarion Hampton, and this was a self-inflicted loss. Isaiah Likely (26.9) and Malik Nabers (23.6) did their jobs, and the manager repaid them by starting Waddle.

Matchup 2: The Reason We Have Rules 112.8 vs. Trevvy McLawrence 52.54

Winner: The Reason We Have Rules by 60.26

Trevvy McLawrence put up 52.54 points, and 29.74 of them came from the QB and kicker. The other eight starters combined for 22.8. Alvin Kamara (1.6), David Montgomery (1.1), and Carnell Tate (1.1) totaled 3.8 points, Jordan Addison was questionable, projected for 0.0, and delivered exactly that, Harold Fannin gave 0.9 at TE, and the Bears D posted -2.0. This lineup was projected for 102.4 and fell about 50 points short.

The winners weren’t exactly good either. Puka Nacua (29.2) and George Pickens (23.5) did the heavy lifting while the Cowboys D scored -2.0, Colston Loveland 2.9, and Tee Higgins 3.2. They still won by 60. Sometimes you just need an opponent who forgot to show up.

Matchup 3: THE Norse Horse 170.66 vs. Abella DangerRuss 186.54

Winner: Abella DangerRuss by 15.88

The shootout of the week, and the loser scored 170.66, which would have beaten every other team on the board except the top two. Drake Maye (39.46) had the best individual game of the week and got a loss for it. Parker Washington (27.4), Derrick Henry (20.5), and Brock Bowers (19.0) couldn’t save him from Rome Odunze’s 3.5 and Will Shipley’s 7.8.

Abella DangerRuss had Jahmyr Gibbs (35.2), Jaylen Warren (33.8 at FLEX), and Jared Goff (28.94) all going off. The Norse Horse’s bench produced a grand total of 2.04, including Tyler Shough at -0.16 and the Rams D at -1.0. They gave their manager nothing to work with.

Matchup 4: Buffalo Bonez 100.7 vs. THE Notorious B.H.G. 192.88

Winner: THE Notorious B.H.G. by 92.18

This was a murder. B.H.G. had the top score of the week at 192.88, led by Christian Watson (29.3), Jacoby Brissett (24.78), Mike Evans (22.8), James Cook (22.3), and Spencer Shrader (21.0). They did it while carrying Tyreek Hill as a free agent on their bench and three players on bye.

Buffalo Bonez were projected for 125.8, and then TreVeyon Henderson scored 4.3, DK Metcalf 3.8, Chase Brown 5.5, the Jaguars D 4.0, and Deebo Samuel Sr. 1.5. They started Samuel with an O next to his name, so the warning label was right there. Wan’Dale Robinson sat on the bench with 8.3. Joe Burrow (24.6) and Trey McBride (17.1) were stuck on a sinking ship.

Matchup 5: WR 89.14 vs. Gay for Tay 103.18

Winner: Gay for Tay by 14.04

WR lost a game they should have won. They started the Raiders D, which scored -6.0 in a 45-17 loss to the Patriots, while the Broncos D sat on the bench with 14.0. That’s a 20-point swing, and the swap alone makes it 109.14 to 103.18, a 5.96-point WR win. Josh Downs (6.2) also sat on the bench while CeeDee Lamb (Q) scored 1.9 and Tony Pollard (Q) scored 5.2. Justin Jefferson (15.8), Braelon Allen (18.1), and Sam LaPorta (17.3) showed up, and the manager handed it all back.

Gay for Tay got a huge 30.5 from Josh Allen and little else. Michael Wilson scored 5.28, Quinshon Judkins 6.5, and Dallas Goedert 6.8, while Jameson Williams sat on the bench with 17.7. They won anyway, but they didn’t deserve to be this comfortable.

Awards

Highest score: THE Notorious B.H.G., 192.88
Lowest score: Trevvy McLawrence, 52.54
Biggest blowout: Notorious B.H.G. over Buffalo Bonez, 92.18 points
Closest game: Let A Naber Know vs. South Jersey, 4.64 points
Player of the week: Drake Maye, 39.46 points, and his manager still lost
Worst start: Raiders D, -6.0 for WR
Bench blunders of the week (tie): WR, for leaving the 14.0 Broncos D on the bench behind a -6.0 Raiders D (a 20-point swing that flipped the result), and Let A Naber Know, for starting Waddle (3.8) over Egbuka (14.2) in a game they lost by 4.64
Zero club: Jordan Addison (Trevvy McLawrence), who started while questionable and was a no-show

In an effort to save time, and effort, I am letting a super computer write our weekly recaps now.

Claude, the floor is yours.

Week 4 Fantasy Recap: Where Dreams Go to Get Benched

Matchup 1: Let A Naber Know vs. THE Norse Horse

Let A Naber Know 124.32, THE Norse Horse 94.54

Let A Naber Know wins, and the real story is Norse Horse’s lineup card, which reads like a crime scene. Ja’Marr Chase, Ladd McConkey, and Kenyon Sadiq combined for 4.2 points, which is what you’d get from three guys who stayed home. Sadiq and McConkey each put up a perfect, immaculate zero. That’s discipline.

The tragedy is the bench. Drake Maye dropped 26.16 while sitting next to Tyler Shough’s 15.94, and Rome Odunze (12.4) and Jared Goff (20.48) also rotted on the pine. Norse Horse’s bench outscored the starters at the FLEX, WR, and RB/WR spots combined. Great news for next week: he can simply start his bench. Bad news: he won’t.

Let A Naber Know had a perfectly fine week, thanks mostly to Rhamondre Stevenson, Malik Nabers (20.2), and a kicker who only went 3.0 and still wasn’t the problem. Congrats on the win, you left 13.56 points on your bench in Bo Nix, which you did not need and I don’t understand.

Matchup 2: Trevvy McLawrence vs. Gay for Tay

Trevvy McLawrence 86.38, Gay for Tay 141.32

This was a blowout of historic cruelty. Trevvy started Saquon Barkley, who gave him 1.5 points. Saquon! The man you drafted in the second round! Dalton Kincaid added 1.2, and Stefon Diggs chipped in a 6.0 as the cherry on a very sad sundae.

Meanwhile Trevvy left 17.0 from Carnell Tate and 13.08 from Trevor Lawrence on the bench. Trevor Lawrence is literally in the team name. You benched your own namesake. The disrespect.

Gay for Tay rolled behind Nico Collins (27.3), Jonathan Taylor (22.2), and Quinshon Judkins (18.6). Josh Allen threw for 18.52 in a loss, which is the most Josh Allen sentence possible. Dalton Schultz scored 1.9, but nobody was keeping score by then.

Matchup 3: WR vs. The Reason We Have Rules

WR 122.9, The Reason We Have Rules 143.38

Team WR’s best player is a guy named CeeDee Lamb, who scored 32.8 and still lost. That’s an act of cosmic violence. Meanwhile the other Dallas Cowboys were busy making The Reason We Have Rules rich, with Javonte Williams going for a casual 28.8 and George Pickens contributing a lukewarm 8.5.

The funniest part is that Rules left Brian Robinson Jr. on the bench for 25.2 points. He had a 25-point bench player and still won by 20, which feels like bringing a spare Ferrari to a go-kart race. Jake Bates the kicker scored 18.0, and a kicker outscoring most of your WRs is the kind of thing that ruins friendships.

WR, I have to ask: Josh Downs for 3.1 and Darren Waller for 5.1? You are a team named WR and your wide receivers were the problem. That’s an identity crisis.

Matchup 4: South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong vs. THE Notorious B.H.G.

South Jersey 70.42, Notorious B.H.G. 129.36

I’m going to say this gently: South Jersey scored 70 points and had a 25.5-point game from Emanuel Wilson sitting on the bench. He also had Rashee Rice at 0.0, Travis Kelce at 2.5, and a kicker who earned 5.0. Combined, the team looked less like a fantasy roster and more like a group chat that stopped responding.

The Notorious B.H.G. rode Kenneth Walker III (30.4), Bryce Young (21.46), and Zay Flowers (21.8). Yes, Bryce Young. We’re living in the good timeline. B.H.G. also has Tyreek Hill on the bench listed as a free agent, so apparently he’s finally been forced into the same emotional journey as everyone else.

Please also appreciate that B.H.G.’s Bills D/ST scored 1.0 and Caleb Williams is sitting on his IR. Those are choices, and somehow they still won by 59.

Matchup 5: Buffalo Bonez vs. Abella DangerRuss

Buffalo Bonez 130.2, Abella DangerRuss 152.08

The best matchup of the week on paper, and Abella DangerRuss cooked. Tetairoa McMillan dropped 38.2 and Kyren Williams added 31.7. Together that’s 69.9 points from two players, which is almost more than South Jersey’s entire starting lineup managed. Abella DangerRuss didn’t beat Buffalo Bonez, he lapped them while eating a sandwich.

Buffalo Bonez has a legitimate gripe: Joe Burrow scored 23.72 on the bench and Kyle Monangai (27.5!) sat there smiling. That’s 51.2 points of sadness. You lost by 21.9. Do the math and then go lie down.

Credit to Bijan Robinson, who torched New Orleans for 27.2, and Ka’imi Fairbairn, who scored 16.0 on kicks alone. Patrick Mahomes got 17.0 and Chiefs D got 1.0, the full Kansas City experience.

Awards Ceremony

Biggest Blowout: Gay for Tay over Trevvy McLawrence by 55. Brutal.

Closest Game: Let A Naber Know over Norse Horse. Okay, it’s not close, but it was the second tightest. Nobody had a close game this week. Your league has the competitive balance of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Best Bench Regret: Norse Horse. Drake Maye (26.16) and Jared Goff (20.48) both rode the pine while Ja’Marr Chase put up 4.2. Put that on a plaque.

Hero of the Week: Tetairoa McMillan, 38.2 points, a name nobody can spell correctly on the first try.

Villain of the Week: Saquon Barkley, 1.5 points. Sit down.

Everyone return next week with fresh optimism and the same bad decisions.

NEW YORK – A fantasy football team never looks better than it does right before the first Sunday of the season. There is so much hope and optimism for a big year, just like a nerd has on the first day of school. Unfortunately, some people have to learn about swirlies the hard way. 

Week 1 of the 2026 NFL season gave us some history as Sunday was the highest scoring day ever in the league. According to FOX Sports, the slate produced an average of 53.3 points per game. To reach that type of peak, you need a whole lot of touchdowns.

In a gold rush of scoring, Brent and Abie put up historic weeks. 

(No. 1) Brent

Led by Caleb Williams’ insane 37-point day, plus 32.6 from Kenneth Walker and 31.9 from D’Andre Swift, Brent put up a staggering 190.06 points. All in, the Gotkin squad had five starters end the week with at least 23 points. I know that it isn’t the highest scoring week in league history, but I don’t know exactly where it stands. Jack hasn’t run the numbers in a while. 

(No. 2) Abie

Finishing in a very respectable second place this week was Abie with 174.36. Powered by 35.66 points from New York’s only true quarterback, the Gay for Tay crew tallied four 20-point scorers. Las Vegas star RB Ashton Jeanty proved all the doubters wrong, finishing just 0.3 points shy of that elusive 30.

(No. 3) Max

Only one other team finished Week 1 above the 130-point threshold. I don’t want to offend Kris and spend too much time talking about my own team, so all I’m going to say is that it sucks to put up 137 and lose. 

Side note: Kris would have beaten Thomas if he started Dalton Kincaid over Michael Mayer. I would have said something about starting any of his bench players instead of Ja’Marr but that would just be rude and insane. 

Here’s how the rest of the week’s scoring finished up:

Three squads (Ryan, Andrew and Lebron) couldn’t crack triple digits. Guys, keep your heads up. It’s a long season.

While we’re talking about losers, let me quickly dive into Lebron’s disaster week. Only one position player finished with at least 10 points, that would be CMC at 11.3. Somehow, that wasn’t Lebron’s highest-scoring starter as the Steelers’ D went off for 19 points. Worst of all, Lebron left A LOT of points on the bench, 68.2 to be exact. I think it’s safe to say he will be starting Brock Purdy, Isaiah Likely and Rhamondre Stevenson in Week 2.

Here is how we enter Week 2:

C Hood Westside

RK	TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB	PLAYOFF %
1	THE Notorious B.H.G.	1	0	0	1.000	—	75
2	Buffalo Bonez	1	0	0	1.000	—	61
3	South Jersey 4th n’ Schlo…	1	0	0	1.000	—	73
4	THE Norse Horse	0	1	0	.000	1	47
5	Let A Naber Know	0	1	0	.000	1	49

C Hood Eastside

RK	TEAM	W	L	T	PCT	GB	PLAYOFF %
1	Gay for Tay	1	0	0	1.000	—	76
2	Trevvy McLawrence	1	0	0	1.000	—	68
3	WR	0	1	0	.000	1	49
4	The Reason We Have Rules	0	1	0	.000	1	51
5	Abella DangerRuss	0	1	0	.000	1	51

For more on Week 1, be sure to listen to the league’s official podcast.

HOBOKEN – 170 picks later, the rosters are set (for now).

Sunday’s draft had a little bit of everything: pizza, unfunny jokes and lots and lots of lost pens. Seriously, what the fuck was going on with everyone losing track of their pen? 

Continue reading “Where the fuck is my pen? A draft recap”

NEW YORK – After a long spring and summer, the best time of the year is right around the corner.

It’s been a busy offseason for the league, full of engagements and weddings. Enjoyable as those have (or have not) been, it’s time to focus on the thing that matters most – fantasy football.

Continue reading “We begin again”

PAIN, USA – I have many regrets in my life. Times I should have made a move, times I shouldn’t have, but none of those compare to the worst decision I have ever made.

Despite riding it out with MVP candidate Matt Stafford for the majority of the fantasy season, I made the bonehead move to not only pick up but play JJ McCarthy this week in the semifinals. It will stand as one of the worst fantasy moves in league history.

Continue reading “To Think is to Suffer”

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – “Alexa, play some Mark Morrison.”

Week 1 was pretty brutal for the Buck You squad. With “stars” DeVonta Smith, Kenneth Walker and Ja’Marr Chase combining for a grand total of 10.6 points, it’s not hard to understand why we finished with an embarrassing 79.48 points. It should have been the worst score of the week, but Brad the Dad saved me there (62.42).

Continue reading “Return of the Max”