All Posts – Must Be Sunday

To Think is to Suffer

PAIN, USA – I have many regrets in my life. Times I should have made a move, times I shouldn’t have, but none of those compare to the worst decision I have ever made.

Despite riding it out with MVP candidate Matt Stafford for the majority of the fantasy season, I made the bonehead move to not only pick up but play JJ McCarthy this week in the semifinals. It will stand as one of the worst fantasy moves in league history.

I tried to use my brain and it fucked me. For some reason, the projections did not like Stafford against Seattle (he would more than double his projection).The young father McCarthy was coming off back-to-back 20-point games and facing a Giants’ defense that is among the worst in the NFL. I thought the computers were smart. They are not.

Stafford put up 30 and McCarthy, who didn’t even make it through the game, put up an embarrassing 8.32.

I ended up losing to Kris, in our fourth meeting of the season, by 20 points. Had I played Stafford, it would have been a narrow victory for yours truly.

So here I sit, sad on a Tuesday, wishing I had not made the fatal switch.

As a great man once said, “Life sucks and then you die.” So raw, so true.

Return of the Max

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – “Alexa, play some Mark Morrison.”

Week 1 was pretty brutal for the Buck You squad. With “stars” DeVonta Smith, Kenneth Walker and Ja’Marr Chase combining for a grand total of 10.6 points, it’s not hard to understand why we finished with an embarrassing 79.48 points. It should have been the worst score of the week, but Brad the Dad saved me there (62.42).

Knowing that Owen (0-1) was contagious, I had to make some drastic changes. What, you may ask, were said changes? Staring Emeka Egbuka over Kenneth Walker. Did it work? No. Did I still win? Yes.

Thankfully, the rest of my team decided they wanted to keep my ass out of a Waffle House – putting up a league-best 151.22.

I want to personally thank Jonathan Taylor and Ja’Marr Chase, who each scored 28.5+ points.

Do I still have real concerns about my team? Yes. Am I willing to let Brent fleece me to fix them? Not yet.

For now, it’s on to Week 3. Get that ass ready, Abie.

Immediate Regret

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – It doesn’t even matter what happens tomorrow. I know I have blown it.

Week 1 of the NFL season is already off to a strange start. I did not have Hawk Tuah on my bingo card for opening night, did you? But it wasn’t the spit that rubbed me the wrong way on Thursday night.

Jalen Hurts likes to run the ball (duh) but he can also let it rip. For some strange reason, he did not look at his two excellent targets (Devonta Smith and AJ Brown).

When I originally set my lineup, I had Smith sitting on my bench. It felt right at the time, as it does in hindsight. For some reason, I opted to throw him back in the fight earlier this week and he rewarded me with 3.1 points.

I am willing to bet that everyone on my bench, minus Quinshon Judkins, outscores him this week. This might not be such a big deal another week. Let’s say I was playing Lebron or even Ryan, I would just shrug this off. But I’m not. I have Kris.

Now, because of yet another poor decision in my life, it’s looking like Owen will be making a return.

Please note, all complaints may be void if Sunday’s outcomes are favorable.

Panic Time: Week 3 & 4 Edition

Huntsville, Ala (MLC) — Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, they do.

Here we are, entering Week 5 of the fantasy season. We have zero (0) undefeated teams and only one (1) winless team. That loveable loser would be me.

I truly thought I had drafted a championship team (Ron Howard voice: “He had not.”) But after four brutal weeks, full of confusing performances from Chris Olvae, Tyreek Hill and Evan Engram, I had decided that it’s time to move on — from Hill that is.

After weeks of aggressively pursuing a trade with everyone and anyone, I finally found a partner. In what I expect will be the most impactful move of the year, I added Jahmyr Gibbs to the team.

With the loss of a Chiefs’ RB — who does not deserve to be named — It became obvious that Jerome Ford would not work as my RB1. Now, I believe, I have one.

As a result of this massive move — which will not be officially processed until tonight — I have rebranded.

Seacrest out.

Panic Time: Week 2 edition

Huntsville, Ala (MC) — Here we are again.

Another season with another brutal start for the Cohan Crew. It’s safe to say the team I drafted has not lived up to the cost of flying home for the draft.

With another 110+ point performance resulting in a loss, I am lost. Only two members of the league are 0-2 and one of them has a few championship rings.

And after an injury ridden week, the waiver wire was HOT this week. The cuck of the waiver wire goes to Tommy Bones, who snagged Carson Steele for $39. I really could have used him, dick.

Man, I really wish we had a pod to talk about all the other things going on. Oh well.

Panic Time: Week 1 edition

Huntsville, Ala (MC) — Nothing hits harder than the fear of being stuck with a bad fantasy team for an entire season.

During the draft process, owners spend minutes and sometimes even hours researching which Arizona Cardinals’ running back will lead them to the promised land. Unfortunately, James Conner was off the board before most even had the chance to consider selecting him. That’s the nature of the beast in this game we call life.

Now let’s get into the stuff that everyone cares about — my team.

I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting up with my good pal Jack Staub in Week 1. Records will show that I have historically dominated Jack, run the numbers. But Staub’s squad is actually halfway decent this season and the majority of his team beat their projections to turn in a 135-point week. Keep in mind, Jack also had Jayden Reed and his 31-point week on his bench.

On my side of the equation, I can’t be too upset. My team found a way to put up 123 points, despite absolute stinkers from Javonte Williams (2.8), Chris Olave (2.1) and Evan Engram (1.0). That being said, I have no idea how the Saints put up 47 points without Olave even scoring once. It just doesn’t make sense.

But that was then and this is now. Week 2 is upon us and the great bidding war of the Ravens’ TE2 is over. A wild $32 bid was enough to snag Isaiah Likely for Lebron. Keep in mind Boobs, that is nearly 1/3 of your allotment for the season used in one bid for Baltimore’s second tight end.

Clearly, Lebron was not the only one in panic mode. Five members of the league submitted offers for Likely, with Ryan, Brent and Abie all submitting double figure offers for the same candidate. Surely this won’t be the last bidding war of the fantasy season.

Lastly, I don’t know how I am expected to make it through the rest of my week knowing that I haven’t heard a second of League Talk. I know that things will be different with the departure of Beans (RIP) but I still need that chatter in my life on my long drives to and from Auburn and Tuscaloosa. Please, for the love of god, get on the mic.

Look Back At It: 2023 Round 1

I cannot believe the last few days happened. Myself, Andrew and some assortment of the Boken Boys and call in’s will do our usual deep dive tomorrow but I’ve been jacked up for nearly 24 hours so I needed to get some thoughts down on paper (my phone screen) to try to chill.

To quote Andre Romell Young, M.D, “damn that shit was dope!” Max and I had a stinker but it ended with possibly the most stressful and entertaining Monday night game in League history. Andrew had an all time come from behind win over Kris. This week had incredible playoff performances, unforgivable duds, love, magic and a bizarre case of the Seahawks not announcing who was playing quarterback for them until 8:10 pm. Pure cinema.

I heard Kris is now permanently mute. Someone told me that. Truly heartbreaking for the defending champ and all around nice guy. He really got boned by Justin Herbert’s injury and Derek Henry having a historically bad day. Andrew gifted Kris five free points to start the week on Thursday night by starting Chargers D/ST. Through Saturday and the early slate on Sunday it was looking mighty sunny for Kris. Back to back champ type shit. Unfortunately, the blue skies gave way to Hurricane 4:20 Slate. My. God. CMC and James Cook combined for 74.3 points. Kris couldn’t recover. Barn burner. Real good matchup.

On the flip side, max and I both sucked. I had debilitating injuries to big names like Josh Jacobs and Chris Olave and extremely poor play from my season saver Dak Prescott and soon to be former big name Breece Hall. Max’s team played like a 5-9 team. He also left a lot of points on his bench. Ultimately, Max willed himself to defeat. I have never encountered a more negative miserable person in my life. Every fifteen minutes on Monday he would text me some variation of “congrats on the win.” Not just during the game but from the moment I woke up. He was very clearly trying to do the old reverse jinx but all it did was aggravate me. I hit him with the reverse double jinx card which led to the dreaded triple jinx. True “Art of War” shit. Beans Tzu.

I cannot wait to talk about this mayhem with my friends on the pod. It is crazy to think there are two weeks of this left. One of my business guys told me there’s a bidding war between major Hollywood studios to get the rights to this story. Miles Teller will finally get Best Actor in his magnum opus performance playing Beans.

Are You There God? It’s me Be@n$o

I’m dead. Vaxxed?

When I was baptized in late 1996 or early 1997 (I don’t know how old babies are when they take the plunge) the water must’ve been contaminated with bad juju. I’ve never dealt with any loss whatsoever, I grew up in a stable home, I’ve never wanted for anything, I’m pretty smart and have a fulfilling job, I have wonderful family and friends and have countless happy memories. My life has seriously been an endless loop of good luck and good times. With all of that being said I can’t help but to think I’m cursed. Maybe the baptism water was actually budlight.

All night Jalen Hurts looked like a deer in headlights. I believe he had less than 2 points going into halftime. One tush push and Jake Elliot extra point later I’m up by just over ten. Our friend Watson at ESPN keeps telling me I’m still going to win. Luckily I know better. I know how it goes. I texted it to Kris this afternoon. I told him Hurts would start slow and then score some late bullshit shove touchdowns. One monster pass to D. Smith and tush push later I’m losing by just under two points.

I needed the chiefs to score a quick touchdown and then hurts throw a pick. Unlikely but not outside the realm of possibility. If it was anyone else in the League it would’ve happened. But because it’s me and everything sucks always you know how it goes. Mahomes had a dime to MVS which would’ve set them up for an easy td. Maybe they even would’ve pushed Pat’s tush. Instead he has the worst drop I’ve ever seen. A couple plays later the chiefs are at about 4th and 150,000 and they don’t convert. I lose.

Not only do I lose but the Eagles win which actually pisses me off in real life more. This was an all around catastrophic night.

I never get wins like this. I never get wins like this. I never get wins like this.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Every week it’s some fucking bullshit, man.

I would like to make the playoffs because it’s fun but honestly the stress of win or go home is too much so I won’t even mind if I’m on the outside yet again.

That’s not to say I won’t be trying my hardest. I’m going straight to confession tomorrow to account for the few sins I’ve committed since I last went to confession in probably 2010 before my confirmation. After I tell the priest about the one time I accidentally cussed in 2013 maybe he’ll give me some fantasy advice. Or will use his godly magic power to transport me back in time and prevent football from ever being invented.

Onward.

League Talk 2023: Week 10 & 11 Review

There are a few things we need to address right off the top.

First of all, we all know this is a 2-for-1 special. I was busy last week celebrating my birthday and didn’t care to jot down notes when listening to the Week 10 episode. So here’s my brief recap: Jack is back and Meghan does the intro now. Cool. Certified Fresh: 69% 🍅.

Now let’s get into the important things — Andrew’s hatred for The 1975 and his love (???) for Nicolette? His words, not mine.

In one of the stranger episodes in recent memory, Vigs went off the rails when the topic of The 1975’s concert at Madison Square Garden came up. The pod was recorded early as a result of his attendance at the event, a musical group that he said he was not excited to see and only knew one song, “Sex.”

As if that weren’t enough, he then tried to cover his tracks when Beans and Bones pushed for more information, saying that he “loves” Nicolette. Is this breaking news? Has this been said before? We may never know, but it’s out there now.

Things took an even more interesting turn when “Hot ass peppers” or “Hot, ass peppers” entered the conversation. Either way you read it, it’s a problem. The latter is significantly worse, in my opinion.

And one last thing. Do we need to sign Beans up for The Voice? He really showed off the pipes with his rendition of Halsey’s “Bad at Love.”

Now back to football. There was a lot of disrespect put on the name of Tommy Devito. My former Syracuse brother may be a bad quarterback, but he deserves your respect. He also has the same name as one of the original Four Seasons, so that’s kinda cool.

Okay, finally the good stuff.

Brad vs. Ryan: 2 for Brad, 1 for Ryan

Vigs: Brad (128-114)

Beans: Brad by six (team was updated live!)

Bones: Ryan (114-112)

Brent vs. Abie: 2 for Brent, 1 for Abie

Vigs: Brent (135-108)

Beans: Brent by 10,000 (N/A)

Bones: Abie (137-131)

Bones vs. Jack:

Vigs: Jack (119-114)

Beans: Bones (133-112)

Bones: “Me” (124-114)

Vigs vs. Max: All on Vigs

Vigs: Vigs (131-119)

Beans: Vigs (N/A)

Bones: Vigs (122-117)

Beans vs. Kris: 2 on Beans, 1 on Kris

Bones: Kris (121-118)

Vigs: Beans (117-111)

Beans: “Me” (123-121.6)

The boys forgot to update the power rankings this week.

This episode, running one hour and 25 minutes, is among the season’s best entries. For that, it is ABSOLUTELY Certified Fresh: 94% 🍅.

League Talk 2023: Week 9 Review

“The light has gone out of my life,” – Theodore Roosevelt.

Mr. Prez went dark on us back in that sad day in 1884. But here in early November of 2023, I feel him.

In the midst of contacting Louis C.K. and Chris Rock for advice on long standup sets, I decided to take some time to listen to the BV Boys (Beans and Vigs) talk shop.

Let’s be honest, this league is all based on luck and if you think otherwise, you’re wrong. Jack, run the numbers.

Speaking of, I don’t believe Jack has run ANY numbers this season. What gives? Still, Jack, run the numbers.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

No Zook or Bones this week (or food delivery), no problem. Vigs found a way to misquote Forrest Gump, a brutal start to the action, but the team we know and love recovered to bring us another commute killer.

Let’s get down to the meat and potatoes. Predictions:

Brent vs. Jack:

Beans and Vigs: Brent by a billion

Max vs. Kris:

Beans: Kris

Vigs: Obviously Kris (not by a billion)

Ryan vs. Thomas

Beans: Thomas

Vigs: Thomas because of Diontae Johnson

Vigs vs. Abie

Beans: Vigs by 40, Abie’s team leaves “bad taste” in his mouth 😱

Vigs: Taking himself because he “has to” win this game

Beans vs. Brad

Beans: “I think I’m gonna win” – has Breece Hall and Ja’Marr Chase

Vigs: Heart saying Brad, brain saying Beans — ended up taking Beans

Now let’s take a look at the power rankings:

Beans: 1. Brent 2. Thomas 3. Kris 4. Beans 5. Brad 6. Jack 7. Ryan 8. Vigs 9. Abie 10. Max

Vigs: 1. Brent 2. Kris 3. Thomas. 4. Beans 5. Vigs 6. Brad 7. Abie 8. Ryan 9. Jack 10. Max

The wins have to count for something, right?

This episode was a one-hour and 13-minute roast of my life. It was fair and balanced. It is certified fresh, 73% 🍅.