In an effort to save time, and effort, I am letting a super computer write our weekly recaps now.
Claude, the floor is yours.
Week 4 Fantasy Recap: Where Dreams Go to Get Benched
Matchup 1: Let A Naber Know vs. THE Norse Horse
Let A Naber Know 124.32, THE Norse Horse 94.54
Let A Naber Know wins, and the real story is Norse Horse’s lineup card, which reads like a crime scene. Ja’Marr Chase, Ladd McConkey, and Kenyon Sadiq combined for 4.2 points, which is what you’d get from three guys who stayed home. Sadiq and McConkey each put up a perfect, immaculate zero. That’s discipline.
The tragedy is the bench. Drake Maye dropped 26.16 while sitting next to Tyler Shough’s 15.94, and Rome Odunze (12.4) and Jared Goff (20.48) also rotted on the pine. Norse Horse’s bench outscored the starters at the FLEX, WR, and RB/WR spots combined. Great news for next week: he can simply start his bench. Bad news: he won’t.
Let A Naber Know had a perfectly fine week, thanks mostly to Rhamondre Stevenson, Malik Nabers (20.2), and a kicker who only went 3.0 and still wasn’t the problem. Congrats on the win, you left 13.56 points on your bench in Bo Nix, which you did not need and I don’t understand.
Matchup 2: Trevvy McLawrence vs. Gay for Tay
Trevvy McLawrence 86.38, Gay for Tay 141.32
This was a blowout of historic cruelty. Trevvy started Saquon Barkley, who gave him 1.5 points. Saquon! The man you drafted in the second round! Dalton Kincaid added 1.2, and Stefon Diggs chipped in a 6.0 as the cherry on a very sad sundae.
Meanwhile Trevvy left 17.0 from Carnell Tate and 13.08 from Trevor Lawrence on the bench. Trevor Lawrence is literally in the team name. You benched your own namesake. The disrespect.
Gay for Tay rolled behind Nico Collins (27.3), Jonathan Taylor (22.2), and Quinshon Judkins (18.6). Josh Allen threw for 18.52 in a loss, which is the most Josh Allen sentence possible. Dalton Schultz scored 1.9, but nobody was keeping score by then.
Matchup 3: WR vs. The Reason We Have Rules
WR 122.9, The Reason We Have Rules 143.38
Team WR’s best player is a guy named CeeDee Lamb, who scored 32.8 and still lost. That’s an act of cosmic violence. Meanwhile the other Dallas Cowboys were busy making The Reason We Have Rules rich, with Javonte Williams going for a casual 28.8 and George Pickens contributing a lukewarm 8.5.
The funniest part is that Rules left Brian Robinson Jr. on the bench for 25.2 points. He had a 25-point bench player and still won by 20, which feels like bringing a spare Ferrari to a go-kart race. Jake Bates the kicker scored 18.0, and a kicker outscoring most of your WRs is the kind of thing that ruins friendships.
WR, I have to ask: Josh Downs for 3.1 and Darren Waller for 5.1? You are a team named WR and your wide receivers were the problem. That’s an identity crisis.
Matchup 4: South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong vs. THE Notorious B.H.G.
South Jersey 70.42, Notorious B.H.G. 129.36
I’m going to say this gently: South Jersey scored 70 points and had a 25.5-point game from Emanuel Wilson sitting on the bench. He also had Rashee Rice at 0.0, Travis Kelce at 2.5, and a kicker who earned 5.0. Combined, the team looked less like a fantasy roster and more like a group chat that stopped responding.
The Notorious B.H.G. rode Kenneth Walker III (30.4), Bryce Young (21.46), and Zay Flowers (21.8). Yes, Bryce Young. We’re living in the good timeline. B.H.G. also has Tyreek Hill on the bench listed as a free agent, so apparently he’s finally been forced into the same emotional journey as everyone else.
Please also appreciate that B.H.G.’s Bills D/ST scored 1.0 and Caleb Williams is sitting on his IR. Those are choices, and somehow they still won by 59.
Matchup 5: Buffalo Bonez vs. Abella DangerRuss
Buffalo Bonez 130.2, Abella DangerRuss 152.08
The best matchup of the week on paper, and Abella DangerRuss cooked. Tetairoa McMillan dropped 38.2 and Kyren Williams added 31.7. Together that’s 69.9 points from two players, which is almost more than South Jersey’s entire starting lineup managed. Abella DangerRuss didn’t beat Buffalo Bonez, he lapped them while eating a sandwich.
Buffalo Bonez has a legitimate gripe: Joe Burrow scored 23.72 on the bench and Kyle Monangai (27.5!) sat there smiling. That’s 51.2 points of sadness. You lost by 21.9. Do the math and then go lie down.
Credit to Bijan Robinson, who torched New Orleans for 27.2, and Ka’imi Fairbairn, who scored 16.0 on kicks alone. Patrick Mahomes got 17.0 and Chiefs D got 1.0, the full Kansas City experience.
Awards Ceremony
Biggest Blowout: Gay for Tay over Trevvy McLawrence by 55. Brutal.
Closest Game: Let A Naber Know over Norse Horse. Okay, it’s not close, but it was the second tightest. Nobody had a close game this week. Your league has the competitive balance of the Harlem Globetrotters.
Best Bench Regret: Norse Horse. Drake Maye (26.16) and Jared Goff (20.48) both rode the pine while Ja’Marr Chase put up 4.2. Put that on a plaque.
Hero of the Week: Tetairoa McMillan, 38.2 points, a name nobody can spell correctly on the first try.
Villain of the Week: Saquon Barkley, 1.5 points. Sit down.
Everyone return next week with fresh optimism and the same bad decisions.
