Matchup 1: The Reason We Have Rules vs. Abella DangerRuss
Rules 81.7, Abella 116.3
Rules started Cam Skattebo and Juwan Johnson, who combined for 0.0 points. That’s two roster spots occupied by the fantasy equivalent of cardboard cutouts. Loveland (15.5) and RJ Harvey (13.1) sat on the bench for 28.6 points. Fixing both would still have lost by 6.0, so this isn’t a lineup mistake, it’s a roster-wide condition. Last week the bench gave him a 25.2 from Brian Robinson Jr. This week Robinson gave 2.0, which is the universe politely informing you that you were never a genius.
Abella lost the McMillan/Kyren duo that scored 69.9 last week. They managed 19.8 this week, and he still won by 34.6, because his kicker (17.0) was his second-best player. Chase McLaughlin outscored George Kittle. Congrats on a roster that wins on the strength of a guy who kicks things. Rules lost to that.
Matchup 2: THE Notorious B.H.G. vs. South Jersey 4th n’ Schlong
B.H.G. 143.0, South Jersey 75.38
B.H.G.’s bench (77.18) outscored South Jersey’s entire starting lineup (75.38). Think about that. The guys he wasn’tplaying beat the guys South Jersey was playing. He’s also hoarding three quarterbacks and starting one, which is either strategy or a hostage situation. Tyreek Hill is still a free agent on his bench, still scoring 0.0. It’s like keeping a houseplant that died but being too sentimental to throw it out.
South Jersey, I’m trying to be supportive. Your Texans defense won 34-31 and scored negative 2.0. That takes a special kind of management. You started Travis Kelce (7.3) while Kyle Pitts dropped 20.5 on your bench, and you finally started Emanuel Wilson after last week’s 25.5 bench game, so of course he scored 5.2. You chase last week’s points like a dog chasing a car, with the same plan for what happens if you catch it. Your bench had Jeremiyah Love, Rashee Rice, Jalen Hurts, and Josh Jacobs all at 0.0. That’s not depth, that’s a hospital wing. Poor Jaxon Smith-Njigba (19.4) is carrying a group project alone.
Matchup 3: THE Norse Horse vs. Gay for Tay
Norse Horse 107.1, Gay for Tay 109.1
Norse Horse lost by 2.0, and he’s the only one to blame. Last week he benched Drake Maye (26.16) for Tyler Shough (15.94). This week he corrected course and started Maye (23.8), and Shough immediately went off for 26.96 on his bench. Starting Shough instead wins by 1.16. This man has now been punished for both options. He’s the Charlie Brown of fantasy football and the football is a quarterback. Germie Bernard (20.2) also sat there, Rome Odunze stunk up the RB/WR spot with 5.4, and Tyler Loop and Rams D combined for 5.0. Derrick Henry gave you 4.5, which is concerning for Derrick Henry.
Gay for Tay won this by accident. Brandon Aubrey (1.0) and Denzel Boston (2.0) were pure dead weight, and Matthew Stafford (16.88) and DeMario Douglas (16.1) were on his bench. Tre Tucker bailed him out with 24.2 on an 8.6 projection, and Nico Collins fell off a cliff, from 27.3 last week to 9.4. A 2-point win in which you left 33 bench points unused is not a victory, it’s a clerical oversight in your favor.
Matchup 4: Let A Naber Know vs. Buffalo Bonez
Let A Naber Know 146.46, Buffalo Bonez 78.28
Naber had the top score of the week behind Christian McCaffrey (26.2), Malik Nabers (22.5), and Isaiah Likely (20.9). Even Emeka Egbuka woke up, jumping from 2.3 to 14.3. But let’s be honest, you could’ve started your bench and probably still won, because Buffalo Bonez showed up to this game like he was coming to a funeral.
Bijan Robinson was projected for 21.3 and scored 6.3. Najee Harris started at RB for 0.2 points as a free agent with no opponent, which means Buffalo Bonez played a guy who doesn’t have a team and still got something. Joe Burrow and Chase Brown were both on bye and still in the lineup picture, because apparently checking bye weeks is optional. Kyle Monangai went from 27.5 on the bench to 0.0 with a Q next to his name. Last week I told you to lie down. This week I’m telling you to stay down. You lost by 68.18, and the loss was so lopsided it should require paperwork.
Matchup 5: WR vs. The Kirkinator
WR 103.02, The Kirkinator 92.52
WR’s top scorer was a running back (Bhayshul Tuten, 22.7). The team called WR has been carried by a running back and a defense. CeeDee Lamb went from 32.8 to 11.5, Tyler Higbee gave 2.2 at TE, and Tyler Allgeier put up 5.3 at FLEX while DeVonta Smith (17.0) watched from the bench. You won by 10.5 with a lineup that looks like it was assembled in the dark. The identity crisis continues, but at least it’s a winning identity crisis.
The Kirkinator started Kirk Cousins (18.52) while Trevor Lawrence, the namesake of the team’s previous name, scored 27.34 on the bench, the highest score on any roster this week. You benched your own namesake for a guy who plays for the Raiders. Swap them and the gap is 1.68. Play Dalton Kincaid (7.3) over Harold Fannin Jr. (1.4) as well and you win. MarShawn Lloyd (1.0), Fannin (1.4), Pat Freiermuth (2.1), and Terry McLaurin (3.2) combined for 7.7 points, which is the output of one decent kicker. And then there’s Saquon, a second-round pick, sitting on your bench with a Q and a 0.0. Last week he scored 1.5. At this rate he’ll be negative by Week 8, and he’ll still be in your top five picks, because you’ll find a way.
Awards Ceremony
Biggest Blowout: Let A Naber Know over Buffalo Bonez by 68.18. B.H.G. over South Jersey by 67.62 was just 0.56 short of the crown. South Jersey, even your humiliation is second place.
Closest Game: Gay for Tay over Norse Horse by 2.0. One side stumbled into it, and the other tripped on the way out.
Best Bench Regret: The Kirkinator, for Trevor Lawrence’s league-high 27.34 on the pine. Norse Horse is runner-up for the Maye/Shough tragedy, which gets its own plaque.
Hero of the Week: Kenneth Walker III, 26.9, the best score by any starter. He had to carry B.H.G., who didn’t need him.
Villain of the Week: Texans D/ST, for scoring -2.0 in a win. Runner-up: Najee Harris, for 0.2 points and no apparent employer.
See you next week for more bench regrets, more dead weight, and Buffalo Bonez staying face-down.
